It was a tiring debate, but Linda Solomon knew in her heart that she deserved one more bite of the store-bought red velvet cupcake she hides in her spatula drawer, away from her husband and three children.
“I had a lot against me going into this battle, “ Solomon said, sweat still glistening on her satisfied face. “I’m technically on the paleo diet, but I already ate a quarter of the cupcake hovering over the sink in my dark kitchen.” She stares blankly at the wall and says, “If you’re standing, it doesn’t count.”
But then, the pharmaceutical saleswoman from Queens rationalized how long and involved her day actually was.
“I woke up before my alarm, dressed all three of my monstrous children in color coordinated outfits, even though my youngest, Matt, refuses to wear blue,” Solomon recounts. “I entered my sales numbers into an excel sheet, two weeks ahead of when I was supposed to. That has got to count for something.”
Although Solomon felt a sense of accomplishment, something immediately set her back.
“I smelled a gas leak outside of Starbucks today and I just drove away with my PSL,” remembered Solomon. “I wasn’t sure if I deserved anything when I smelled something and didn’t say something. A gas leak is dangerous for people’s brains. You know, Sylvia Plath and everything.”
But Solomon reminded herself that she had successfully bathed all three ghoulish children alone, while her selfish husband was out having drinks with clients. Not only did she bathe them, she read them a full story as she paid her mortgage bill on her phone.
“It was in the moment, hovering over the clogged sink drain, I realized how deserving I was of one more taste,” Solomon said. “I did it. I did it for me.”
She then decided she deserved new lipstick and a paid iPhone app that teaches you how to crochet. “But nothing will ever feel as good as that cupcake.”