Absolute Moron: This Man Wants to Be an Actor Even Though Ethan Hawke Already Exists


 In a confounding and deeply senseless move, 22-year-old Jeremy Rivers is pursuing a career in film acting even though Ethan Hawke already exists.


“It’s definitely odd,” says Jeremy’s mom, Nadia Rivers. “I love Jeremy, probably more than most, but I guess I’m just confused about what role he thinks he would play that Ethan Hawke wouldn’t be better suited to and do a better job at.”


“I mean, granted, Ethan Hawke is 27 years older than Jeremy, so perhaps he’s hoping to go for younger roles,” adds Nadia. “But to that, I would sort of say, let’s make the character older? I’m sure nothing would be lost by making a young character middle-aged that wouldn’t be regained double by having the role filled by Mr. Hawke, so I’m just not seeing room for Jeremy in this equation.”


It’s hard to see a flaw in the logic, and industry professionals feel the same way.


“When we already have Ethan Hawke, adding another white male actor to the talent pool is redundant,” says casting director Rhonda Lewis. “Have you seen First Reformed? Ethan Hawke’s not fucking around. Craving a young heartthrob? Just go watch Before Sunrise, then watch the rest of the Before trilogy because guess what? He’s only gotten hotter and better at acting with age. What do you bring to the table, Jeremy?”



“I’m sorry for losing my cool,” adds Lewis. “I just think living at the same time as an actor as versatile, underrated, and talented as Hawke, our main focus has to be getting him into as many roles as possible before we introduced anyone else.”


“I would, of course, urge Jeremy to follow his dreams when Hawke dies, which, fingers crossed, won’t be for a very, very long time.”


However, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Jeremy maintains the position that the existence of Ethan Hawke should not stop him from pursuing acting.


“There are already lots of other actors other than Ethan Hawke,” says Jeremy. “I’m not saying I’m better than him, but we can both exist in the same field at the same time, right? Am I crazy? You guys are making me question myself.”


“No, I’m pretty sure I’m right,” adds Jeremy. “I’m still going to be an actor because it’s what I love and am passionate about.”


Wow. Okay!