From the posters on your wall to the magazines piled next to your toilet, the hunks of your youth helped build the sexual being you are today. Back in your adolescence, they were famous heartthrobs and you were a mousy tween who didn’t have a chance in hell with them. But today, boning these aging former superstars just might be within your reach!
Better known as Jake Ryan, the handsome devil who romances Molly Ringwald’s Sam in the classic teen sex romp Sixteen Candles, Michael Schoeffling played the quintessential 80s hottie. He has since left the biz to marry a model and work as a carpenter in rural Pennsylvania. Now Michael is well into his 50s, and there’s about a zero-percent chance his wife has retained her runway looks now that she has him locked down. This guy is begging for some strange, so get out to the Keystone State and get that Long Duk Dong!
We got weak in the knees every time this greasy-haired hunk opened his mouth to say something misogynistic in 10 Things I Hate About You. But in real life, Leann Rimes’s ex-boyfriend is super chill. He even opened up his own spiritual center in Venice, California. If there’s anything a hippie likes, it’s some free love. All it will take is a cute yoga outfit and a passable Warrior I pose to get this guy interested in getting you, downward doggie-style.
Once upon a time, being a part of The Cosby Show was an aphrodisiac. Now it’s a just a lady boner killer, and Malcolm has probably lowered his standards a ton since then. Take this opportunity to swoop in and rescue MJ from his shattered existence. Just be sure not to wear any patterned sweaters!
The Youngest Hanson Brother
Zac was the adorable baby brother who could easily be mistaken for a girl. But now he’s all grown up and those golden tresses have been traded in for a responsible haircut and three kids. Anyone who has three kids before the age of 30 is obviously looking for a return to the glory days, so it’s time for you to swoop in and get that baby Hanson D. Mmm-hmmm-bop!
Bear with us. Once you look past the multiple arrests for domestic violence and drug abuse, this Terminator 2: Judgment Day star is still a really horrible person. But if you’re really desperate for someone who used to be hot and famous, this guy will definitely hasta your vista, baby.
But really, would you even want to? He has the face of someone who shoplifts by accident.
The lead singer of The Doors has the dubious distinction of being a member of the 27 Club. But just because he died of an alleged heroin overdose back in 1971 doesn’t mean he’s not still hot as fuck. You can’t actually get in his pants, but who says you can’t hump a grave? And while you’re in Paris, check out the Eiffel Tower at night! It’s sure to light your fire!
If you’re one of the lucky ladies who gets to go to bed with one of these newly attainable hotties, just remember to close your eyes and remember them at their best: hot, young, and high on coke. Good luck!