You know by now that love is a lie, but the real tragedy comes when that gleaming sliver of a hope that you’ll have good sex again dies completely. When that moment inevitably comes, here are some delicious cheese wheels to eat instead!
When you’re ready to commit to the reality that no one will commit to you, keep a Babybel handy! You’ve given up on casual genital smushing. Your life is this wheel of cheese now. You can even pretend that those empty wax wrappers littered around your bed are used condoms!
There’s nothing too special about gouda—in fact, it’s pretty basic. But so is human touch! And at least gouda is something you can definitely expect to experience in this lifetime. In fact, there are seven different categories of gouda, and you’ll have the time to learn about them all in your sexless despair!
Why not wolf down some cheese that’s as blue as your metaphorical balls? Ha ha ha, remember when you used to touch balls? Luckily for you, your sexually repellency doesn’t affect your soft cheese-spreading skills, so grab a box of crackers and snack your way to complete and utter celibacy!
Similar to parmesan but much lonelier, this cheese is harder than you’ll ever make any man again. You can grate it, melt it, or even carve a face into it and kiss its dry, flaky lips. Watch your creativity flourish as your sexuality withers!
Did you know that cheddar is naturally white, and that they dye it orange in America? Of course you did. You learned that instead of having regular intercourse with another human. This cheese can make your mouth water as much as your far-fetched fantasies of bumping uglies, which you are cheddar off forgetting about in this lifetime! Oh god.
A Trough of Cheese Whiz
This isn’t exactly cheese or a wheel, but your sad vagina isn’t exactly in high demand, so let’s not split hairs. In fact, why don’t we just drop this whole “explore new passions through artisanal cheese” act and dive into some uninspiring and un-expiring cans of Cheese Whiz, empty them into a pig trough, and fully surrender. You used to think you were too good for burying your face in processed lactose goop, but your pride dried up along with your godforsaken puss!
No one can tell you how exactly how to forfeit all pleasure and usefulness of your deserted nether regions, but these wheels are easy, cheesy ways to dull the aching in your loins. Eat up!