Ever since you broke up with old Whatshisname, you’ve been on top of the world. Nothing can show the world how stable you are like an Instagram feed that’s suddenly only sexy selfies. Here are five stylings that say, “I’m so happy without you” while simultaneously saying, “Maybe you should check in real quick just to make sure everything’s cool.”
The Who-is-She-With-at-the-Beach Selfie: You’re back on your game and looking great, bringing other dudes to the same beach you used to go to with him and splashing around in the ocean like you’re SO FUCKING HAPPY YOU COULD DIE. Snap a pic of yourself in your sunglasses, your glistening cleavage dotted with salt water, an unidentified man’s arm framing your face. Wait—is that a single tear streaming down your face, or a just a drop of ocean water? Only one way for him to find out…
The New Tattoo Selfie: Prove that this tattoo was totally planned way before your breakup by posting a pic with a super-clear caption like, “So glad I can finally be the person I was meant to be.” Oh, the tattoo happens to be of an image that has special and unique significance to your relationship with him? Oh, what a coincidence. Is it maybe a fox, the animal symbol for self-protection? How weird. Is it typewriter font that says “Life goes on…”? What fucking serendipity.
The Cat Selfie: Know what’s cute? A selfie. Know what’s cuter? A selfie with your cat. Know what’s the cutest? A selfie with your cat where your cat is strategically placed to enhance your cleavage while somehow also making your boobs look sad. Give it five minutes tops before your phone lights up like a Christmas tree.
The Just Hangin’ With My Girls Watching Blue Valentine Selfie: Pause the movie to grab a shot of you and your besties having an awesome night in. Make sure to snap from the angle that makes you look crazy cute and gets a clear background shot of Ryan Gosling playing the ukulele and singing, “You Always Hurt The One You Love” while Michelle Williams is tap dancing. When he checks in to see if you’re “having fun,” say “sure” followed by a never-ending ellipsis. Now we’ll see who sleeps well tonight.
The Puffy-Eyed Bathroom Selfie: Catch yourself right after a good bathroom cry for maximum “doe eye” effect. Try a caption like, “I can see clearly now” for the one-two punch of eerie vagueness. What was that buzzing in your pocket? Looks like someone’s reaching out to save you!
Thanks to the ubiquity of social media, you can keep your ex invested in your life for years after you’ve called it quits. Just remember to keep your eyes off their Instagram feed, or you’ll be the one asking, “Are you okay??”
