In past years, we aggressively pledged ourselves to Pilates, Bootcamp, and Zumba. In 2013, we devoted our lives to Crossfit. What cultish fitness routine will keep you honor bound to meet your weight-loss resolutions this year? Check out these, new, up-and-coming exercise revolutions for 2014:
This mix of traditional voodoo dancing, Parkour, mixed martial arts techniques, and Chinese Opera has it all. You’ll work everything from your toes to your eyebrow muscles while learning about a variety of disparate cultures. Troup members reach the second level by getting five friends to join!
Instructor Daniella Barreto developed this routine in her native Brazil, aimed exclusively at getting participants a bigger butt. The name comes from Barreto’s idea of the perfect butt weight – a luscious 27 pounds. She’s also coined the playful slang for those who quit the workout before their 52 week trial is up – Slut-butts!
Violent Death Workout
This new five-hour DVD workout, starring Mario Lopez, focuses on bringing excruciating pain to all your major muscle groups by combining power lifting, self-loathing, and uncomfortable smiles. With advanced 300 lb. squatting exercises, you’ll feel the burn and your muscles hemorrhaging! Each of the 12 DVD’s is sold separately.
Like pole dancing classes but more salacious, this class is perfect for suburban moms who want to experience a fantasy version of what it’s like to survive in society’s seedy underbelly. Participants mime “speed blowjobs” and perform a “getting fucked” step aerobics routine while moaning in pleasure. If you take one of these classes, be prepared to giggle (and be filmed for peer review)!
The Cattle Prod
This ten-mile obstacle course race is gaining popularity all over the country. For $800, participants don cowboy hats and run through a series of dangerous obstacles while leading their choice of livestock to slaughter. Slower runners and their animals are sprayed with the blood of the winning animals, once they’ve met their end. The race ends with runners triumphantly tossing the carcasses into a roasting pit while chanting for their salvation.