5 Live Animals You Should Stop Wearing After Age 30

Your twenties are a time for experimentation, fun, and whimsy. But by age 30, women should be a bit more selective with their clothing choices; especially wild styles like loud prints, crop tops, and live animals. No longer is it acceptable to throw on any old thing and count on your natural cuteness to get by. Show the world you’ve matured by purging the following live animals from your wardrobe:


1. Bears

Bears are a big no-no after 3-0. Bears are generally considered harmless until threatened, and throwing one over your shoulder on a brisk winter morning is sure to leave an impression – literally! That bear will most likely maul you and leave you for dead before you even walk out the door, especially once you’ve hit 30. You’re not a little girl anymore! Maybe you could’ve handled fighting back in your twenties, but you’ve got a life now. Give the bear to a younger cousin and take yourself to Loft.


2. Sloths

Not cute anymore, ladies. The sloth is Earth’s slowest mammal, and in the time it takes him to climb up your legs and wrap himself around your waist, you could have had three business lunches with important clients. Face it: You have actual job responsibilities now that you’re 30, and you just don’t have the hours to spend waiting for this long-armed monkey-dog to position himself on your body as a fashion accessory. Donate him to Goodwill and buy some structured trousers instead.



3. Bottlenose Dolphins

Once you’re older than 29, it’s no longer fashionable to slip on a rubbery, slippery dolphin for work OR play. Not to mention that at about 500 pounds, they’re almost the same size as your purse – you use hand sanitizer and eye creams now – and who needs more weight to carry around? Leave this air-breathing, sea-dwelling look in your twenties and opt for something tweed.


4. Bats

Get it together, girl! Bats may have been cool during your early-twenties sexy goth phase, but at 30, you are way too old to be playing dress-up with these flying vectors of disease. Plus, they make a mess of your hair, and you no longer work in a hippie coffee shop where that’s considered acceptable. You wear business suits! You’re 30. Stop wearing bats.


5. Golden Poison Dart Frog

Don’t even try to work this look once you turn 30. These brightly colored amphibians may go with every pair of jeans you own, but the golden poison dart frog is one of the most venomous creatures on the planet. And after age 30, who has the time or energy to deal with all those health risks? You have meetings to attend and babies to make now! Put the frogs on your stoop for a neighbor to take and maybe think about buying clogs.


Keep these tips in mind and you’ll be sure to impress everyone around you. Because now that you’re 30, what’s most important is how other people view the live animals you put on your body.