If you grew up with Harry Potter, you remember the deep feeling of kinship you felt with Harry ― his 11-year-old excitement, his teenage angst, all combined with absolutely no sexual energy whatsoever. So now, when you look back at your favorite Harry Potter quotes, you can return to your unbearably sexless teen years—a time when you didn’t even need a Time-Turner! Here are five Harry Potter quotes that will bring you back faster than you can say, “Expelliarmus!”
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” ― Professor Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Dumbledore’s words of wisdom grow more poignant with age, but that doesn’t mean this quip didn’t strike you as a teen. These books taught you about self-empowerment, that you were an independent person capable of making your own choices. You were also probably capable of having sex, technically speaking, but at that point were only timidly masturbating.
“We could have all been killed—or worse, expelled.” – Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Hermione, you get it! She’s the feminist hero of our adolescence. The number of times you dressed up as Hermione for midnight release parties instead of getting fingerbanged…Wow, this classic Grangerism will really take you back!
“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.” – Professor Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Dumbledore’s early validation of Neville Longbottom’s quiet courage never fails to get the waterworks going. (To be clear, we’re talking about crying—your vagina was extremely dry throughout the whole Harry Potter era.) Neville was an inspiration to do the right thing, even when it was the “uncool” thing. You interpreted that validation when writing Harry Potter fan fiction instead of going to Homecoming, which, fine.
“Not my daughter, you bitch!” – Molly Weasley, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Damn, Molly! Remember the rush of reading this for the first time? As totally desperate fucking virgins, Molly Weasly’s fiery rage was unlike anything you’d ever felt. Seriously. The only adrenaline rush you’d ever gotten at this point was from being told you get to have ice cream after dinner.
“I solemnly swear I am up to no good.” – Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ah, yes, the special spell to wake up the Marauder’s Map. It would’ve been such a fun, sexy, topical thing to say during sex in the mid-2000s! Too bad you were spending your nights arguing about which house every member of your high school class belongs in (most of them were Hufflepuff!) instead of fucking.
J.K. Rowling’s wizarding world was so meaningful as adolescents, these quotes will always make you feel like making out with our hands, like the good ol’ days. “Accio—my virginity!” am I right?
