Every community garden is built on pillars of respect and urban cooperation, which is why they are surprisingly easy to exploit for your own sick, twisted purposes. After all, you can’t spell civic engagement without gag me! Here are four ways to look out for number one in a community garden built for everyone.
Plant Your Weed Within the Okra
Okra plants and marijuana leaves look surprisingly similar—so don’t be afraid to use this coincidence for your own perverse gain. By inserting a few transplants of premium cannabis within the rows of this healthy plant, you can make sure the old man who planted the okra for his heart health takes the rap if the cops ever catch on. It’s not your fault Mr. Johnson has priors!
Use The Herb Section For Your Satanist Ceremonies
Everyone knows a ceremony worshipping Satan isn’t complete without a little rosemary. Invite your most untrustworthy friends and shady Craigslist acquaintances to participate in an occult rite within the herb section under the full moon at midnight, and make sure everyone’s writhing, naked bodies rub up against the cooking herbs. At the end of your fun night invoking the devil, don’t hesitate to leave as many pentagrams,and basins of sheep’s blood in the garden as possible. Your neighbors will clean it up in the morning!
Sell the Vegetables to Pay Off Your Gambling Debts
The local Girl Scout troop planted those tomatoes for the common good, right? Well, it will certainly benefit your common good when you sell them at the local farmer’s market for a significant upcharge in order to pay off your considerable gambling debts. Would the girls of Troop 252 really want you to be beaten up by bookies in the street? Didn’t think so.
Bury a Body
If you need to bury a corpse as quickly as possible, the local community garden is the perfect spot to do it. Just dig a shallow hole between the daisies the church group planted and the commemorative bench for Reverend Harvey and drop that sucker in. If the police happen to catch on, how will they ever know it was you? The community garden is used by everyone.
So if you really want to use the local garden for own sick, individualist purposes, follow those tips and tricks — and don’t be afraid to branch out into littering, loitering, and lighting stuff on fire! The community garden isn’t just for the hardworking, respectful people of your neighborhood. It’s for you, and whatever perverted, twisted shit you’re getting up to. Go get your nut, you little Machiavellian bitch!