It’s your wedding night and that means it’s time to let loose in the bedroom. Uncage your inner animal with some sexy new moves between the sheets, since this is the end of literally everything and death is just around the corner. Here are four sex positions to maybe try on your wedding night, because why not, it’s all over for you anyway.
The Half Ballerina
You and your fiancé habitually fall into a rotation of missionary, cowgirl, and doggy style. So why not use your wedding night to introduce the Half Ballerina? This is a standing position where you raise your leg around your man’s butt and use that leverage to pull him deeper into you. Really, why not try this? There’s no reason not to, since you’ll spend the rest of your life sitting next to this douche eating rubbery chicken you made in the five hundred dollar slow cooker you registered for. Wedding night sex really is special, because it’s the end of sex for you. Sorry! You look hot in this position though, you freak!
You said your vows and it’s official: you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this guy. To celebrate your union, throw the Spider into the mix. Just try it, because nothing matters anymore. Face each other and move your pelvis on top of his, letting his legs hug your hips. Crab walk around to deepen the penetration, which actually isn’t very deep considering you’ve committed to fucking this one guy forever. Your life is over, dude. Just be a wild bitch tonight!
The Standing Wheelbarrow
If you and your groom are the active types, this position is for you. Have your guy stand upright, then kick your legs up from the downward dog position to wrap your legs around his waist. This is literally the most thrilling experience you will have for the rest of your life, so get on your hands and fuck for dear life. RIP you, because you’re basically a dead woman walking… down the aisle!
Your family and friends gathered for your big day, but it’s over now and you will never be the center of attention again. Unless you have a kid. But, ugh, you don’t want a kid! So just let him put it in your butt. Sure, you’ve said it doesn’t turn you on, but someday you’ll decompose and everyone will forget who you are. You’re just a speck of dust. So do anal. Or don’t. Whatever you do, you’re a saucy motherfucker!
These are four sexy positions perfect to experiment with on your wedding night, since your whole life is basically over and there’s no reason for you to exist anymore. And if you’re too tired to hook up after your wedding, you should just go dig a literal grave and lie in it! This isn’t an existential crisis, this is your lame life now!!