When you’re in the middle of an intense conversation, it can be tricky to stay sharp. Although the perfect witty comeback can really change the dynamic of a discussion, sometimes the discussion has already happened and you’ve thought of it long after the conversation was over. If you’re struggling to find that perfect, specific clapback, here are five that you will definitely come up with in the shower two days later.
“Hey Jessica, that sounds like a you problem.”
Ooof, brutal! Turning someone’s gripes back onto them can be a huge cut to their ego. Of course, you weren’t able to be that cutting in the moment, but to the onlookers of your conversation that you’re revisiting in your head almost a week later while washing your hair, you are one hypothetical badass! Read her!!
“Is all that hair dye seeping into your brain, Jessica?”
If someone’s talking to you (Jessica) like some kind of idiot, there must be a reason why! Next time you’re painting your nails or plucking your eyebrows or whatever, imagine how you could’ve totally owned Jessica specifically with this snappy retort! It’s definitely childish, but everyone is someone’s child, right? And honestly, she’s being a little bit childish about this whole thing regardless!
“Just because you’ve got purple hair now doesn’t mean you’re automatically the hottest girl at this co-op.”
Sometimes, the truth hurts! And even if you were too worked up during the actual argument to say something like this, because you noticed that all the hot co-op dudes were staring at Jessica’s stupid new hair, that doesn’t mean that you can’t fantasize later in the line at Walgreens about the look that would’ve been on her Benedict Arnold face had you remembered and said it to her in the moment! Her disloyal ass would’ve been so served, and James H. who works in the dairy section would’ve totally picked up on how clever and funny and ultimately hot you were! This is good general advice!
“You know I’ve had a crush on that guy who does his monthly volunteer hours every other Sunday in the produce department forever and if you think your cool, new, pastel hairdo makes it okay to steal him away from me then you’re a bigger slut than I thought you were!”
Fuck you, Jessica!
It’s such a pain when you can’t come up with something witty to clapback within the moment. But with these five examples, you have an endless trove of clever comebacks to suddenly come up with days later when you’re doing something unrelated to the original conversation! Jessica, if you’re reading this, everyone at the co-op knows that you’re a ho!