It’s finally happened, just like everyone warned you about: You turned 30. Congrats and we’re sorry! Unfortunately, there’s no going back to 29 and all the fun things you put in your mouth back when you were still relevant. Here’s some real-deal mature things you should be putting into that now-distinguished mouth of yours.
First off, congrats and our warmest condolences for turning 30! Now that your third decade of life is over, your metabolically stable twenty-something-self has done so much damage that your best hope is to maintain your ravaged face and body by eating unfun things forever. Buy kale and eat it—you’re 30.
2. Your Friend Jessica’s Baby’s Foot
Nothing says “I’m 30” like putting someone else’s child’s foot in your mouth. Jessica just turned 30 and she’s already on baby number two. But for your loner self, the essence of unadulterated youth will leave you feeling slightly younger and less like the villainess queen from Snow White.
3. Plan B One-Step
Speaking of babies, you somehow find that you’re still single and not at all ready for one. While a brief child-nibble will have you feeling spry, the thought of actually having a litter of your own will make you shiver. Plan B is that second, third, and fourth chance you get at spending your thirties completely alone, the way God intended.
Now that you’re in the downward slope of your life, it’s time to liven up your aging breath with some minty, fresh gum. Just think about it: You’ve been around for 30 years; that’s 30 years closer to death, where your breath really starts to go downhill. You also probably have a lot of meetings to go to or some shit. Remember, a stick of gum a day keeps the harbinger of death away!
5. Your Nails
While nail biting can be a bad habit, we know for a fact that chewing the shit out of your nails is the only way to handle your 30-year-old anxiety. Worried that you might be pregnant after some not-worth-it unprotected sex last night? About to miss a huge deadline at work? Nibble on that pointer fingernail. You haven’t tasted 30 till you’ve nervously chewed your nail down to a bloody sliver.
6. Vape Pen
Nowadays everything is electronic. Investing in an e-cig or a vape pen is your way of saying, “I am now mature enough to consider my long-term health, unlike my chain-smoking mom.” Vaping is the healthy, nerdy alternative to analog cigarettes; besides, all the 30-year-olds are doing it! Show the world you have a decent enough job to afford a lifetime supply of vape juice. You are killing 30!
This shit is your key to keeping your volatile herpes at bay for your next hormone-fueled mistake. Sometime in your twenties, you done fucked up and got an STD, but you need to rock with it and roll with it now that you’re 30, or else you’ll never hit anything again. Sure, you could pass your dormant STD onto someone else, but at least on the surface, you’ll look calm and ready.
8. Nine-Volt Battery
Curiosity killed the cat, but you’re not a cat, you’re just a 30-year-old. Whenever you feel a severe case of monotony coming on, we suggest putting a rectangular 9V battery to your tongue for a quick fix. The jolt will make you wet your pants just enough to remind you that you felt something close to the thrill of still being in your 20s.
9. Nighttime Mouth Guard
Your mouth hurts—why? It’s not your wisdom teeth; you got those removed at 22. It could be another cavity, but chances are you just have a case of TMJ and are clenching down on yourself way too hard out of the stress of watching your potential go unfulfilled. Being 30 is the end of the world and TMJ is proof of that. A nighttime mouth guard is a quick fix to your teeth trying to kill you.
Okay, okay we know this archaic, but so are you. Now that you’re finally 30, it’s literally and metaphorically all downhill from here; so you might as well start your descent from that mountain as quickly and painlessly as possible. Goodnight, sweet princess. May your jawline never know sagging, and your student loans never be paid.
For those of you shocked not to see peens and beans on the list, you’ll understand when you’re 30.