Author Archives for Madeline Goetz

Woman Who Fell Asleep in Her Contacts Pries Eyes Open With Crowbar

Wow! Tween Who Couldn’t Afford to Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch Now Adult Woman Who Can’t Afford to Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch

REPORT: Silly Fuzzy Socks Not So Silly Now That You’re Sick

Pathetic! Woman Who Missed the Origin of the Inside Joke Trying to Join In

Woman Wearing Slicked Back Bun Even Though She Doesn’t Have a Dance Recital Later

Uh Oh! Mom Got Your Situationship a Stocking

Woman Makes Friends Remove Their Outside Clothes Before Sitting on Her Couch

Nice! Woman Recoups Her Gender Pay Gap Losses at Office Holiday Party Open Bar

Wow! New Christmas Pop Song Somehow Finds Novel Way to Allude to Fucking Santa

Woman Who Used to Write Paragraphs on a Flip Phone Would Rather Die Than Type One Word With a Remote

Drunk as a Skunk? This Skunk Actually Passed the Breathalyzer Test and Is Good to Drive

Aw! Both Dog and Boyfriend Afraid of Vacuum

Normal! Woman Posts About Toilets 8,000 Times in Two Days

Real-Life Sitcom? These Friends are Taking a Walk Together and Having a Conversation

Nice! Woman Honks for Good and Correct Reason and No One Is Mad at Her for It

Wow! Woman Concedes Gracefully Without Siccing Violent Mob on Nation’s Capitol

How to Nurture Your Long-Distance Friendship by Talking Mad Shit About Your Close-Distance Friendships

Woman Trusts the Science Until the Science Tells Her to Not Wash Her Hair Every Day

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