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Koi Fish Feel Like They Always Have to Be ‘On’

Therapist Anxious You Only Like Her for Her Mental Health Expertise

Wow! Man Refusing to Replace Toothbrush Until It’s Balder Than Him

Brave! Umbrella Leaving House Knows There’s an 80% Chance It Doesn’t Make It Home

Why It’s Rude to Be on Your Phone at a Restaurant Unless You Just Needed to Google Something Really Quick

Food Desert? This Woman Has No Groceries and Doesn’t Want to Go Outside

Woman Who Used to Write Paragraphs on a Flip Phone Would Rather Die Than Type One Word With a Remote

Employee of the Month? This Woman Cleaned Her Entire Apartment Without Going Inactive on Slack

Stalker? This Woman Remembered a Fact Someone Told Her About Themselves

Drunk as a Skunk? This Skunk Actually Passed the Breathalyzer Test and Is Good to Drive

Man Engages in Beautiful Italian-American Tradition of Taking Matters Into His Own Hands

‘I’m Not Susceptible to Advertising,’ Says Woman Who Sure Seems to Spend a Lot of Money on Bullshit

How to Get Revenge on the Company That Laid You Off by Getting Abs

Woman Checks Her 2024 New Years’ Resolutions Because She Loves to Hurt Her Own Feelings

Planning Ahead! This Man Texted ‘I Wish I Kissed You Back There’ Before the Date Even Started

Dad Somehow Still Emotionally Affected by Civil War

Woman’s Description of Her Ideal Man Clearly Just Bob From Bob’s Burgers

White Friend Really Wants You to Notice Black and Brown Nutcrackers on Her Mantle

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