Whether it’s for the holidays, a birthday, or because your child keeps rubbing his crotch against the classroom chairs, you owe your child’s teacher something nice. The one thing you know about her is that she is quite likely a woman, and as such, it’s important to make her feel like one. Here is a list of gifts that will make her feel special and like a woman:
Waterproof Mascara. Let’s face it: She has a tough job, and since she’s a woman, she probably cries a lot. Giving the gift of waterproof mascara will let her know that it’s okay to let it all out (since she doesn’t have a choice), but that she should remember to look good while encouraging your child’s insult-based creativity. This is the kind of gift that says, “I’m a woman, and you’re a woman, so here’s a practical gift that is definitely for a woman!”
Wine Juice Boxes. Less dignified than a bottle of wine, but also a whimsical reminder of the childlike land of wonderment in which she is stuck, mini wine boxes will be plenty for her, since she probably lives alone. Women love wine, and they also like things that are cute and twee. This one is a total slam-dunk.
Perfume Your Child Has Selected. Go to Target and let your kid run wild in the cosmetics section. Encourage little Kennadee to gallivant toward the celebrity fragrances. Nothing makes an educated, hardworking woman feel more like a woman that eau de Paris Hilton!
Douches. Sometimes it gets funky in Funkytown, and you’re enough of a woman to be able to let another woman know this. What better gift for a busy lady teacher? Something by Summer’s Eve will show her that you care, and that your kid hovers around crotch-level. Let young Aydaine draw fish and cat litter boxes all over her card!
J-Date Premium Membership. Clearly she wouldn’t be working such a low-paying, dead-end job if she had some prospects in the man department. She had the kids make “holiday cards,” and you once saw her eating a bagel in her car. Granted, you don’t know a lot of Jewesses, so if a gift this intimate makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should go for something a little safer, like one of those tiny beanie hats covered in pink Swarovski crystals.
Now that you’ve paid it forward, you should be riding high on a crest of good karma. She’ll be thanking you for these two blessed weeks away from your little criminal!