In a heartbreaking story out of Brooklyn, NY, 23-year-old Malia Green is halfway through the five stages of waking up, having just entered the bargaining stage as of 7:32 a.m. this morning.
“I just don’t know where things went wrong,” Malia said. “Maybe if I just stay here another five minutes, I’ll feel more awake? That should work.”
Witnesses report that before Malia reached the bargaining stage of waking up, she had to process the earlier stages to get there as well.
“When my alarm first woke me up at 7:00, I was in complete denial,” Malia told us while still in bed with the covers over her head. “I thought, ‘There’s no way that I have to wake up right now. This just can’t be right. This can’t be happening!’”
According to reports, Malia quickly switched from denial to rage in just a few short moments.
“Next, I was so angry,” she said. “Y’know, I was thinking things like, ‘Why do I even have to wake up this early?’ and ‘I should just quit my job once and for all. Fuck this! Fuck everybody!’”
Malia’s anger led her to the current stage she’s in now, where she is desperately trying to find any other solution to her problem other than getting out of bed.
“I swear, if God grants me the energy to move my body to a vertical position without feeling like I’m going to die, I will never stay up until 2 a.m. watching YouTube videos about the CGI baby in Twilight ever again.”
Malia also couldn’t help but compare herself to others who might have gone about things differently.
“My roommate Sasha always wakes up at 6:30 on the dot,” she said. “Why can’t I be more like her? There has to be something wrong with me. Why am I like this?”
At press time, Malia is now in the acceptance stage of waking up and has actually gotten out of bed, but not without going through the depression stage where she lie perfectly still for another 45 minutes.
