Why We Should Tax the Rich Except for My Uncle Kevin Because I Think I’m in The Will

We live in an age where 719 people hold four times more wealth than the bottom 50% of the country. This disparity should disturb and disgust you, and it should inspire you to be a part of changing the economic class structure of America. It certainly does for me, and that’s why I believe wholeheartedly that we should raise taxes on the ultra-wealthy, except for my uncle Kevin because I’m pretty sure I’m in the will.


This past year during a global pandemic, the US poverty rate skyrocketed while Elon Musk added $140 billion dollars to his net worth. We live in a system that allows the rich to grow their wealth off the exploited labor of an immobilized lower class. That’s why we should adopt an aggressive graduated income tax that will make all rich people pay their share, except I will say my uncle Kevin should be left out of it. He’s not a billionaire or anything, but he has a couple of houses, and while the family doesn’t talk about it explicitly, he somehow made a fortune in, like, stocks, or oil, or greyhound racing or something. Anyway, he’s always liked me, and I don’t really want to mess with that relationship at this point. Please don’t tell him about this. He has a house in Malibu and he lets me housesit sometimes.


The wealth gap between the top and bottom percent of this nation is staggering. Similarly, the wealth and age gap between Uncle Kevin and me is staggering. He won’t be around much longer, and I haven’t seen the will, but he doesn’t have children so I feel like my odds are pretty good.



Maybe a car? Some stock? I don’t know. I’m just saying.


As citizens, it’s vital we show our elected representatives that we want progressive tax legislation that reaches every last upper-crust Richie Rich except for upper-crust Richie Richies who played checkers with me as a kid, and split their time between Miami and Aspen, and are basically good people. I mean, maybe not like good good, but are basically people who might bequeath me significant amounts of money in the future.


So let this be a rallying cry: We must tax the rich, and we must ensure that when my uncle Kevin dies I inherit a portion of his wealth, and then depending on how much it is and how much it changes my tax bracket, we’ll see where to go from there. Huzzah!