In this age of cancel culture, it can feel like prominent voices are forced to apologize for anything that someone could deign to interpret as a slight. But it’s not just celebrities that are falling victim to this vicious culture war: Everyday, people are being bullied into expressing their regret over words or actions that were not intended to hurt anyone. And although I am the latest casualty, I will not cave to the whims of the overly sensitive masses, or even my live-in partner.
That is why I’m refusing to apologize for eating the plums that were in the icebox.
Don’t you even dare try to forgive me, because I am not sorry.
Now, I understand that those plums were probably being saved for breakfast, and that’s a valid point. But should I kowtow to the baby soft left over mere hypotheticals? And by the left, I mean my wife who went through the trouble of buying the ingredients for a special breakfast, including the plums I ate that were being stored in the icebox for a reason.
Anyway: Why were the plums being kept in the icebox in the first place? They easily could’ve just been kept in a paper bag in a cool, dark drawer for a few days and they would’ve been fine. This already shows a serious lack of competence and really undermines any point you were trying to make. And granted, they were perfectly chilled when I made the apparently grave and horrible mistake of eating them, so I do appreciate that they were in there, but consider that I wouldn’t have been so tempted to eat them if they weren’t.
This is just as much the icebox’s fault as it is mine.
Look, this is just to say: Did I eat the plums that were in the icebox? Yes. I won’t deny that. Were you saving them for breakfast? Probably. But I won’t drop to my knees, I won’t beg for you to forgive me. And sure, I haven’t had sex in months and don’t have a firm grasp on metaphors – but frankly, they were delicious.
And so sweet.
And so cold.