Why I’m Refusing To Apologize For Eating The Plums That Were In The Icebox

In this age of cancel culture, it can feel like prominent voices are forced to apologize for anything that someone could deign to interpret as a slight. But it’s not just celebrities that are falling victim to this vicious culture war: Everyday, people are being bullied into expressing their regret over words or actions that were not intended to hurt anyone. And although I am the latest casualty, I will not cave to the whims of the overly sensitive masses, or even my live-in partner.


That is why I’m refusing to apologize for eating the plums that were in the icebox.


Don’t you even dare try to forgive me, because I am not sorry.


Now, I understand that those plums were probably being saved for breakfast, and that’s a valid point. But should I kowtow to the baby soft left over mere hypotheticals? And by the left, I mean my wife who went through the trouble of buying the ingredients for a special breakfast, including the plums I ate that were being stored in the icebox for a reason.


Anyway: Why were the plums being kept in the icebox in the first place? They easily could’ve just been kept in a paper bag in a cool, dark drawer for a few days and they would’ve been fine. This already shows a serious lack of competence and really undermines any point you were trying to make. And granted, they were perfectly chilled when I made the apparently grave and horrible mistake of eating them, so I do appreciate that they were in there, but consider that I wouldn’t have been so tempted to eat them if they weren’t.


This is just as much the icebox’s fault as it is mine.


Look, this is just to say: Did I eat the plums that were in the icebox? Yes. I won’t deny that. Were you saving them for breakfast? Probably. But I won’t drop to my knees, I won’t beg for you to forgive me. And sure, I haven’t had sex in months and don’t have a firm grasp on metaphors – but frankly, they were delicious.

And so sweet.


And so cold.