Why I Stopped Getting Dressed and Started Teaching My Dog Marketing

Quarantine can be a time for recalibration. At last, we can examine of the values previously held in place by the day-to-day bustle that occupies the mind against taking a closer look at what’s right in front you. Just weeks into quarantining alone, I realized how many bricks of my routine were serving no one.


And that’s when I stopped getting dressed and started teaching my dog about marketing.


The ritual of getting dressed helps some people feel focused and in control, and I would never take that away from them because I think it’s sweet that they haven’t realized hard fabric and button clothes are a mechanism to subjugate your potential. Would I have thought to start teaching my pit bull mix Polly the fundamentals of marketing segmentation in a pair of slacks? I very much doubt it.


Society convinces us we should put on little outfits so we can be obedient subjects, but now that I don’t waste time putting on my worker bee uniform, the only obedient subject in my house is Polly while I drill her on the how to anticipate customer needs, emerging marketing channels, and how to blend quality control with a growth-forward model.


A lot of people will ask, “What is the benefit of teaching your young dog marketing?” but like I say to Polly when she raises her paw in class: If you have to ask, you wouldn’t get it anyway (I do not have a background in teaching).


Other people ask, “Do you actually think she is learning about marketing? She is a dog. She does not have language.” And to that, I say nothing, because you can’t fight insanity with reason.


While I certainly hope that the curve is flattened across the globe and that a vaccine is on its way, I think we all know that there is no “normal” to go back to, and further, that we shouldn’t want it even if there were.



Many people hold this stance because they feel this pandemic has exposed the many woes of capitalism and our consumerist society, and I don’t really have an opinion on that one way or another. But I know one thing for sure, and that’s that I will never stop wearing this bathrobe/napkin, and I will never stop teaching Polly about Place, Product, Promotion, and Price until she is the fucking all-powerful queen of the Market.


Plus, it makes for some adorable Insta stories!