What To Eat – And What To Avoid – When You Realize You Have A Voicemail

It’s hard to know how to live your healthiest life when you’re experiencing a stressful change in your life, such as receiving a voicemail. When your day is derailed by a notification that says there’s a message that demands you just sit and listen to, like, the whole thing, you’ll be wondering what you ever did to deserve this, and how you can survive. As your body adapts to this massive life change, what should you eat and what should you avoid? Keep this list nearby so you know how to eat healthily through this challenging moment in your life.


What to Eat:


Kraft Macaroni and Cheese

You’ll need to carbo-load in order to maintain a healthy level of energy to deal with this voicemail. The cheese-like sauce will comfortably remind you of the bliss of childhood as you listen to the three-minute voicemail from “Mike from Jiffy Lube” even though he totally could have texted you all of this.


Pretzel Croissant

This combination pastry is the exact treat that will save you in your hour of need, because you literally got a voicemail that is one hour long. Did you even know voicemail would let them do this? Your Aunt Judy really is talking for this long. Fortunately, this is the perfect soft and salty snack to nibble on as you stare at your phone, fearful and alone.


One Row of Double Stuf Oreos

If it was just a missed call, you might be able to get by with regular Oreos, but for a full-on voicemail (a voicemail! In 2016!), you need to pull out all the stops and spring for Double Stuf.. Peel open that package and feverishly twist and eat a whole row while you panic-text your friends asking what to do.



What to Avoid:


Cucumber Salad

Are you kidding me? Stop. Put this down. You have to listen to a voicemail that is 1:19 long. Get your shit together!


Corn On The Cob

Look, your life is messy enough with this voicemail hanging over your head. Leave the cob to the pros. You don’t want the added stress of picking pieces of corn out of your teeth while you cautiously raise your phone to your ear.


Avocado Toast

This is a healthy and filling snack that should only be enjoyed on a delicate little plate alongside a green smoothie after you get back from your morning run. Do not bring avocado toast into this shitshow, or you’ll ruin it for life. DON’T DO IT.


With this guide of what to eat and what to avoid, you’ll be able to face your phone and the auditory horrors that lie within it. Maybe you’ll be lucky and it was just a recorded butt dial! But probably not. It’s probably terrible. Good luck!