Tips for Subtly Teaching Your Daughter to Marry Rich

Your daughter is a precious gift who is also an investment. As your little diamond grows up in this world where women can do anything and be anyone, it’s important that you don’t give the idea that she will actually make a living at any of those things. This isn’t clear to everyone, so you’ll need to rely on subtle cues to keep those working moms at the PTA off your back. Here’s how to make sure she understands that marrying rich is the key to her future happiness:


1. Get her used to a luxurious lifestyle.

1000-thread-count sheets may seem like overkill for a baby’s crib, but it’ll be worth changing them now if it means she’ll be ordering them for you when you’re elderly. Make sure never to buy her anything utilitarian, so that she assumes that food and clothing just “happen” while she’s at French class or practicing piano. If you can make her nursery look like a Skymall showroom without ever giving a hint to where it all comes from, she’ll carry that with her into adulthood.


2. Limit her media intake to TV shows and movies about wealthy people.

Safe shows for ages three and up include Real Housewives, Scandal, and Gossip Girl. We model ourselves after our heroes, and it’s your job to make sure none of her heroes are scrappy and resourceful (AKA “poor”) people. She should feel instantly uncomfortable among people who have to work for a living. When in doubt, just put on anything by Aaron Sorkin.



3. Encourage her to attend an elite college.

Sure, she’ll never actually have to use that creative writing degree when her life is filled with charity galas and redecorating her Hamptons summer home. However, stunning examples like Kate Middleton have taught us that an upper middle class girl can get a swift upgrade to motherfucking princess by taking her college education seriously. If you want to be petting the Queen’s corgis 20 years from now, you’ll make sure your darling daughter chooses wisely. Prince George will be prowling his perfectly manicured campus in 17 short years.


4. Remind her that looks aren’t important.

If your daughter grows older and you realize she has little to offer, remind her that it’s what’s inside that counts when choosing a mate. This sounds like sage advice from the outside, but also reaffirms that sometimes you have to date below your league in order to marry up. Stan might be 44 and in need of a hip replacement, but it’s what’s inside that counts! Inside his wallet, that is.


Just because you ignored your company’s 401k enrollment for the last eight years doesn’t mean you have to grow old and poor. Remember: having a daughter who marries a social worker can happen to anyone. We all need to chip in to ensure our comfortable future, so start building your investment now.