These New Nut Cheeses Won’t Erase What Krista Did

Dairy-free technology has come a long way. And as a person committed to the lactose-free life, I have been amazed by the quality the new nut cheeses on the market. I’m delighted when I discover fresh tubs of almond cream cheese at my local grocery or shredded faux-mozzarella (thanks cashews!) at the corner store. What a time to be alive.


These nut cheeses are delicious, sustainable, and impressive—but will they erase what Krista did? Unlikely. Why? Well, Krista did a terrible thing. But if you need more convincing, here are several specific reasons why no nut cheese on God’s green earth could make me forget what Krista did.


The cheeses are tasty but Krista knows what she did.

Krista knows exactly what she did. I don’t need to explain it to her. And yet, neither she nor these cheeses has done enough to make it better. I’ve sampled tens of hundreds of nut cheeses—soft French-style, cracked pepper hard cheese, classic hard cheese, herb garlic—you name it. But Krista will never know of my savory journeys, because we aren’t speaking right now. What Krista did was reprehensible, and these cashew chèvres, creamy as they are, aren’t going to fix that.



Some of these cheeses come conveniently shredded and look—if I had it my way, Krista and I would be cool.

Shredded cheese is way useful for recipes. But me and Krista—we’re just not in a good place right now. That’s fine, because Krista needs to work on herself before we can connect again. And trust me, if I were in her position, I’d be the first person to extend an olive branch. An olive branch covered in Heidi Ho’s chia cheeze nacho cheese. But Krista has to reach out first. I wish I could show her how spreadable this Almond Brie is. But I can’t…and that’s on her. Not on the cheese.


I love nut cheese but Krista still did what she did.

What did Krista do? What didn’t Krista do? Honestly, the details are triggering. Did you know they’re making cheeses out of coconut now? And they melt and stretch like regular cheese. They’re perfect for sandwiches. I like to add a few slices to my usual fried eggplant and arugula open-faced sub and cover it for a few minutes to let it melt.


Sadly, the memories of what Krista did will not melt away.


Thoughts of Krista haunt me.

While the endless flavor combinations of nut cheeses thrill me, thoughts of Krista linger, making it impossible to enjoy any of the new dairy-free alternatives in my refrigerator. Oftentimes, when I’m alone, savoring my cracked pepper hard-style cheese, my mind wanders to Krista’s harshly highlighted hair. Fuck that bitch.



I stress-dream about Krista.

Sometimes I have dreams where I’m walking down a hall, and I see myself at the end of the hall. I walk and walk and it feels like forever. Finally, I reach my dream self. My back is turned, and I tap my dream self on the shoulder. But when I turn around, it’s Krista. Krista is me.


Nightmares aside, nut cheeses satisfy all of my cheese cravings. I can honestly say that I no longer crave dairy cheese the way I used to! Instead, I crave closure. Closure and resolution for Krista’s actions. But, sadly, you can’t create curds out of pain.