There is no better way to let people know you can’t handle your finances than spending irrational amounts of money a piece of hot bread with avocado smeared on top. At home, this delicacy would cost about a dollar. But in order to feel truly healthy and #whole, it’s imperative that you spend 10 times that amount at a restaurant. That’s just math! Who cares if you make minimum wage when you’ve got all that smooth green fruit spread in front of you. Here are some of the tastiest, trendiest avocado toasts you can purchase in different cities to let your friends and family know that you for sure have no idea how to maintain a budget.
Tiny, Tiny Bruschetta with Avocado and Uni (Cavatina, $10)
If you’re ever in Los Angeles, which, if you buy avocado toast at the highest possible price, it’s very likely you are, head to Cavatina and try the bruschetta with avocado and uni. Although these miniscule pieces of bread will only keep you full for a good ten seconds, they are sure to be packed with pricey flavor. Try this for brunch, followed by a trip to the pawnshop to sell your grandmother’s antique wedding ring.
Mashed Avocado on Seeded Bread (Jack’s Wife Freda, $13)
Next time you’re in SoHo shopping at high-end boutiques like the very wealthy twenty-something that you apparently think you are, stop by Jack’s Wife Freda, a trendy bistro, for literally just mashed avocado on bread with seeds in it. If you’re feeling adventurous, top it with tomato jam and then cry yourself to sleep after checking your bank statement. If you’re feeling super adventurous, call Chase and pretend your card got stolen. You haven’t done this since last year, so it might just get you off the hook!
Avocado Toast (Charlatan, $10)
In Chicago, your buck will go much farther, so make sure to stop by Charlatan for their take on overpriced, you-can’t-afford-this avocado toast. For just $10, your toast comes with a bit of shaved breakfast radish, micro scallions, Calabrian pesto, and other garnishes that won’t actually make much of a taste difference. But with so many gourmet ingredients, you’ll feel much better about blowing the money that was intended for your anti-anxiety medication.
Smashed Avocado & Streaky Bacon (Lantana Café, €9)
Why make avocado toast at home when you can eat it abroad? Go to London and drop pounds like an obnoxious study abroad student. Try Lantana Café’s smashed avocado on toast with streaky bacon and a poached egg. Still feeling peckish? For an additional £4, add cheese on top and then put your student loans into forbearance and watch the interest accrue until it threatens to swallow you whole. Who cares? This is a cool trendy breakfast! Remember, this costs more in US dollars.
No matter how you like your avocado toast, it’s important to remember that food always tastes way better when you pay way too much for it. Try these spots, and pray a distant, rich relative will leave you something in their will. Cheers!