Thanks to His Breakup Texts, All of Derryk’s Ex-Girlfriends Have Nice Lives

“Have a nice life!”


While each of Derryk’s ex-girlfriends were upset by the abruptness of the breakup, studies have shown that nearly all of them have gone on to lead wonderful, full lives as a result of his signature breakup text. Some might say it’s almost a lucky charm, but most credit it as a kick in the behind to jumpstart their ideal lives.


“I did screenshot the text at first and sent it to all my girlfriends to be like, ‘Can you believe him?’” Jodie Erickson recalls of her experience. “But he was right. It was all on me to have the life I’ve always dreamed. The very next day, I asked for a promotion at work and also met the man that I now call my husband! Thanks, Derryk!”


Maria Bond has also experienced a charmed life after the vaguely callous text from Derryk. “I was a little shocked to get such an intense text. I mean, we only dated for two months,” she says. “Still, I took his advice. Eight months later, my memoir was published and shot to the top of the New York Times’ best-sellers list! I have Derryk to thank for that.”



“Getting that final text was annoying, but ultimately a relief,” says ex-girlfriend of two years, Carolyn Rogers. “After that text, my TV pilot got picked up by a major network and my adoption application also finally got approved, and so I’m now the mother of a beautiful baby boy! His name is Derryk.”


The polls show that 95% of Derryk’s ex-girlfriends reported that they are also currently with partners who can communicate their emotions in a mature and clear way.


We reached out to Derryk for comment and he responded with, “Go fuck yourself.”