Sugar ‘Literally More Harmful Than Cocaine’ says Katherine, Who Should Know

These days, it seems almost morally reprehensible to eat poorly. We hear Katherine ranting about the evils of sugar all the time, claiming it’s “literally more harmful than cocaine.” And honestly, she should know, because she’s done more cocaine than any of us.


After watching a few documentaries and reading a think piece or two, we can all agree sugar is toxic. The harm it does to your body and brain chemistry is lasting. And when Katherine tells us that it’s “as bad if not worse” than cocaine, we’re willing to take her word for it. I mean, when we were younger, Katherine was obsessed with coke. From the first day of undergrad to the glorious moment we finished grad school, Katherine has always been there with a supportive hug and some congratulatory blow. No judgment or anything, it’s just … you know, she knows what’s she’s talking about when it comes to cocaine.


Now instead of getting the party going, Katherine’s new mission in life is to post articles and TED talks about sugar. And her latest Facebook rant ended with:


“Sugar is killing us, both quickly and slowly and SCIENCE has proved it’s literally more harmful than COCAINE!”


We’re not 100% sure that’s true, but we’ll take Katherine’s word for it, since she once showed up to her 7-year-old daughter’s soccer game coked out of her mind and should know the real dangers of consuming vast amounts of white powders.



Remember that time Katherine threw a “Baltic Tea Party” and just got everyone high as shit without telling us? And how we all felt like that was a pretty drastic cry for help? And she freaked out, screaming that we were “literally a bunch of punk-ass babies who all need to get laid”? Apparently, we should have been more concerned with the presence of petit fours and Russian teacakes than the eight balls littering her condo. I’m not saying any of us are perfect, I mean…Jennifer has a pill addiction, Lisa hates her son, and I probably work out too much, but still.


So as long as Katherine keeps up this sugar vendetta, it’s safe to assume she knows her stuff. We know there is enough sugar in a can of Coke to kill a small rabbit. We know restaurants and burger shacks are pouring high fructose corn syrup into every gross pink chicken nugget goop recipe. So when we see Katherine crying at video after video of little obese children wrestling Jamie Oliver for a pack of Gushers and referring to In-N-Out as “Satan’s Playground,” we’ll just all accept that she’s our go-to source on this kind of information. It’s just like … can you really get that upset over how fucked up the fast food industry is when you spent over a decade inhaling products cut with laundry detergent?


These days, Katherine’s heading up an initiative to introduce a cookie ban at our kid’s school. Sure, overindulging in sweet, delicious cookies may lead to life-threatening health conditions. She’s right. I’m going to tell the whole PTA she’s right. She’d know.