This week, the American Heart Association announced the revision to their current CPR guidelines that specifically indicates performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation to the tune of “Hey, Soul Sister” by Train is worse than not doing it at all.
“Just because ‘Hey, Soul Sister’ meets the necessary 100 beats per minute does not mean you should use that as a guide,” says AHA representative Abigail Walters. “You know, ‘Baby Shark’ also meets this requirement, so you have options. Options with lyrics that don’t include reference to the singer’s untrimmed chest.”
The announcement comes after a recent incident at a New Jersey mall where a 70-year-old man collapsed in the food court.
Bystanders scrambled to find someone who actually attended their office’s mandatory first aid training. The best they could get? A young woman who had seen a TikTok explaining the CPR process using the tune of the cursed Train bop. The video has since been destroyed to prevent further loss of life.
According to one witness, Kate McHale, the woman started performing CPR while singing “Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains,” even encouraging onlookers to join in and help her keep time.
“It’s just not right, using a song with lyrics like that under any circumstances,” says McHale. “Let alone when someone’s life is on the line.”
The old man eventually did regain consciousness, but only to gasp for air and shove the woman’s hands off his body before actually dying. Experts pinpoint psychological trauma of hearing the words ‘so gangsta, I’m so thug, you’re the only one I’m dreaming of’ as the cause of his eventual demise.
“Is it a catchy song? Yes, I’ll admit that,” Walters said, “But it has no place in medicine, or anywhere, really. It should be purged from our society on the whole, and I say that as an individual as well as on behalf of the American Heart Association.”
The National Coalition of Adults Who Like the Ukulele declined to respond.