Researchers Complete Mapping Sequence of Things Men Think Are More Painful Than Childbirth

A stunning breakthrough has sent the medical community reeling as 33 of the world’s leading medical scientists convened at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine to present their work. Over a decade in the making, this project was designed to document the male belief that they could definitely withstand the pain of giving birth to a whole fucking baby and then some.


To the raucous applause from the pool of reporters, the team debuted the first complete list of things men hear are more painful than pushing an actual human out of your body. Among this list included long-standing painful ailments like “kidney stones,” but now include modern discoveries like “vasectomy reversal” and “getting hit by a car, probably.” The price tag for this project reached over $100 million and was completed after diverting tens of millions away from Planned Parenthood contributions and coronavirus vaccine research.


The Medical Scientists declared this a groundbreaking achievement in outlining how tough men really are to chicks that definitely would not understand. Dr. Johan VanGilstrob explained, “From the moment my father told me at a young age that breaking his tailbone was as painful as birthing a child, I knew the world must hear this story.” He remarked that his father limped around for about a year after this accident, whereas his mother was expected to start cleaning and cooking again after each child was born, so it must not have been that serious.


Shrouded in mystery, this list allegedly dates back to 1435 when inventor Salvatore DiRienzo felt some tingling pain in his back and cried out for his pregnant wife to come help him. While it turned out to be a bad case of “sleeping on it funny” the list was born when his doctor told him the pain must have been worse than spawning a full-sized human fucking being from a vagina. The men bonded over this interaction, mutually agreeing their tolerance for pain is surely much higher than that of their wives. EDITORS NOTE: DiRienzo’s wife died later that month during childbirth. DiRienzo soon remarried.


One on-site reporter questioned the group about why men find it necessary to diminish women’s childbirth pain instead of actually learning more about it. In a long-winded response, Dr. Neal McGwire said, “I mean, we already know [essentially dropping a watermelon from your uterus] has to hurt really bad, twins are probably even worse I guess.”