It has happened again: After a long day of work, you took an edible to reward yourself for living 15 hours without an edible. Now, sometime later, you’re wondering if the edible is ever going to hit when you feel a change in your body. Your clitoris is no longer a tiny bundle of flesh and nerves located above your urethra. It is a limb. And like the hand in Oliver Stone’s 1981 film The Hand, it has a mind of its own. Take this quiz to find out if your edible is finally hitting or if your clitoris is just like this now:
How long has it been since you took the edible?
- One hour.
- Two hours.
- 8+ hours.
What were you doing when you felt a change?
- Something boring, like laundry or reading.
- Something sad, like moping or playing the piano.
- Sucking, fucking, watching porn or listening to Rihanna.
In a spiritual sense, does the change feel permanent?
- No. This has happened to me before and it passed then.
- What is “permanence” when time herself is such a fickle lady? In the thirty seconds, it has taken to read this question, two years have passed. Whether this sensation will pass or extend into the all-encompassing majesty of eternity is not for me to know.
- I don’t really understand what this question is asking.
Have you asked your clitoris her/his/their/its opinion?
- Yes, but she/he/they/it did not respond.
- Yes, but she/he/they/it just responded “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” in a sort of passive-aggressive tone of voice.
Try standing over a hand-held mirror. Does your clitoris look different?
- Oh my God, I can’t tell. Maybe? It’s bigger, maybe? But doesn’t it get larger when you’re aroused? I could just be aroused. Or maybe my clitoris gained weight because I gained weight – I’ve probably gained weight since I last looked at my clit. When did I last look at my clit? Have I EVER looked at my clit? I know I’ve FELT my clit, but have I seen it? Do I know my own clitoris? Could I recognize my clitoris in a line-up? Does my clitoris feel parentless, neglected, God forbid, ugly? How can I make amends?
- No. My clitoris looks normal.
- Yes. It has significantly changed in shape and/or color.
If you answered mostly 1 and 2: the edible is hitting. Relax and lean into it. Maybe light some candles and cue up one of those scenes from Bridgerton.
If you answered mostly 3: your clitoris might just be like this now. Relax and lean into it. Maybe light some candles and cue up one of those scenes from Bridgerton.