Pear-Shaped Ladies: Here’s How to Poach Yourself in Red Wine This Holiday Season

All women have a natural, fruit-like shape. Pear-shaped ladies are blessed with curved bottoms, soft flesh, and in the right circumstances – delicious juices. If you are one of these lucky pears, this is the perfect time of year to bathe yourself in a delicate syrup of orange juice and red wine. After all, it’s a look that has made mouths water since the nineteenth century! Here’s how to transform your body into an elegant dessert fit for a fancy French dinner.


Make Sure You’re Firm Yet Ripe

The ideal consistency of a pear shaped woman is firm to the touch yet gentle enough to give way to pressure. Hopefully this describes you at room temperature. Make sure to hide any bruises you may have received from rolling onto the kitchen floor.


Use An Entire Bottle Of Wine

If don’t have enough time to sit for an hour in a hot saucepan filled with OJ and pinot noir, a shortcut is available. Simply ingest a glass of juice and a whole bottle of Moscato. If you are late for a party, no problem! Ask your host to keep the thermostat between 76 and 80 degrees so you can slowly simmer all evening. For a reduced simmer, stand by an open window.


Stop When You Turn Purple

You’ll know you’ve marinated in your poaching liquid long enough once your entire body is a rich shade of burgundy. At this stage, it’s incredibly important to sit upright for at least three hours before letting anyone taste you. But trust us, it’s worth it: Walking into a room with a body the color of red wine will set tongues wagging in the best way possible.


Get Spicy

Cinnamon sticks are your new best friend! And a dusting of cardamon on the décolletage is effective as both a spice and a contouring powder. Some girls are the life of the party—but you get to be the smelly dish of the party. Just don’t layer a fruity perfume on top of those notes of holiday spice—you are sweet enough as it is, considering you’re 84% water and 15% sugar!



Garnishes Are Everything

Be sure to arrange yourself next to a scoop of ice cream where possible, and if you have any extra wine go ahead and drizzle it over yourself. If desired, put a piece of twisted orange peel behind your ear. This look lasts two to three days, or up to a week if you store yourself in the fridge.


Poaching yourself in red wine is THE hot look this season for pear shapes. It’s about time you show the world why the partridge was in a pear tree on that first day of Christmas.