My Lashes Are So Full, Yet I Am So Hungry

After years of searching, I’ve finally discovered the secret to longer, fuller eyelashes! I blessed so feel. Oops, I mean to say I feel so blessed! Sorry, I haven’t eaten all day and am a little out of it.


What was I talking about? Oh yeah, LASHES! Here’s how I learned to look my best, even though I honestly feel my weakest. But nothing tastes as good as big honkin’ lashes feel! Let me walk you through my glorious transformation.


First of all, always use an eyelash curler. This will open up your eyes and make you look like a doll! And, just like a doll, I have not eaten anything today. Dolls should probably eat, though, right? I’m really starting to think that they should. Everything’s sort of spinning. Sorry, I’ve been kind of distracted by my lashes.


Another beauty secret I’ve learned is to always use lash primer to get the boldest results. Think of primer like an appetizer before the main course of mascara! I’ve been thinking a lot about appetizers for the last couple hours. I’ve been thinking about how I’d go to fucking town on a mozzarella stick. I’d eat every last bacon bit on a potato skin. Full disclosure: I just licked a little primer off the wand. It smelled so good! But it tasted so bad.


My eyes look amazing and I haven’t left the house in seven days.


Okay, let’s talk mascara. All are not created equal! Look for a brand that has the words “THICKENING” or “BLAST” or “AHOOOOGA” on the tube to achieve maximum volume! While I was putting my mascara on today, my tummy rumbled so hard that it shook my whole body and I poked myself in the pupil. It really hurt, but I am used to pain and I think my stomach is seriously starting to eat itself. But my lashes are fat as hell, and that’s how I like them! I am in pain.



Lastly, it’s important to drink plenty of water. Your lashes will become thin and brittle if you don’t properly hydrate! Drinking water is also how I’ve distracted myself from wanting to eat today. I may be hallucinating from hunger from perfecting my lashes for the past week, but since I haven’t put anything solid in my stomach, I’m actually starting to hear a puddle forming in there. Drip, drop. Quick question: Am I pretty yet? This has been the longest day of my life.


I am so proud of my luxuriously full lashes. If you follow my advice, you will have them too! Thanks for reading. I’m going to go butterfly kiss a chocolate croissant!