Last-Minute Candy Substitutions In Case You Forgot, Diane

The trick-or-treaters have arrived, covered in the year’s most popular costumes, and you don’t have any candy for them, do you, Diane? Don’t worry about it, this happens to everyone (and to you, the last three years running). Rather than disappoint those adorable, painted faces, call a quick audible and dish out some of these sufficient candy substitutions. You can do that, can’t you?


1. Pop Tarts

Pop Tarts are a great alternative to candy, providing you at least have a good flavor like S’mores, right Diane? Oh, they’re Brown Sugar? Hmm. That’ll have to do. The difference in size and shape from the standard Snickers or Kit-Kat Bars will excite the youngsters, and with 19 grams of sugar per tart, they may not even know they were duped by a grownup. Maybe some of them will actually prefer Pop Tarts and come to your house first next year, when you’ll actually be prepared, right Diane?


2. Fruit

It’s nature’s candy! Sure, most kids associate fruit with healthy eating—something none of them want to do on Halloween. But when they’re older, maybe they’ll appreciate the gesture, while simultaneously not making the same egregious mistake you have. Do you even want to be on the Maple Lane Block Association, or was the whole “I swear to dedicate myself to this community” thing just an act?


3. Hummus

Crack open the Sabra and get searchin’ for that sleeve of no-salt-tops Saltines you knew you had from when Grandma Jeanne lived with you before she passed last April. If you can’t find them before the kids start ringing the doorbell a million times in a row, just start slinging it to whoever knocks on your door. Scoop it right it in their bucket and say, “How ‘bout a TRICK?” They’ll cherish the story more than the candy you forgot to buy them, Diane.



4. One (1) Candy Bar

Wait! You’ve got a full sized Butterfinger in the back of your cupboard from when you were sad that time! Good thing you forgot about it until now. Slice up the Butterfinger into 10… no, better make that 20 pieces. Wrap up these SUPER fun-sized bites in some Band-Aids and you’ll leave those kids shouting, “She forgot again!” Jeez, Diane. Even the kids know you’re a mess.


5. Dental Floss

Do it, Diane. Be that bitch. We dare you.


6. Handjobs

This one’s for the Dads, Diane. Why not give them a story (and a disease!) they’ll never forget? Just remember they don’t respect you, Diane.


7. A Fable

Tell trick-or-treaters the tale of the lonely, middle-aged women who was too busy trying to meet her deadline at work to pull her head out of the sand and recognize what’s happening around her. Enthrall them with yarns about the woman’s pathetic masturbation attempts, days of eating pasta for every meal, and sleepless nights in a cold, empty bed. Teaching children lessons about focusing on relationships over your career and the value of your personal appearance will far outweigh any sugar high.


So that’s that, Diane. And remember: The only person you hurt by giving out frozen Eggo Waffles is yourself.