Iconic Idris Elba Characters to Think About While Jared Fucks You Poorly

It’s not Jared’s fault he’s not Idris Elba, but that doesn’t mean you have to think about him while the two of you have bad sex. Fantasize about Idris Elba in one of these smoldering roles to help you get in the mood despite the fact that Jared’s a terrible, terrible lay.


Charles Miner from The Office

Remember when Elba did a stint as a hottie brought in from corporate to whip Michael’s office into shape? I bet Jared doesn’t, but then again, he can barely remember which hole is which. So distract yourself from Jared’s sexual ineptitude by picturing Elba’s beautiful, chiseled face looking directly into the camera as he says, “I am aware of the effect I have on women.” So are we, Mr. Miner. And it is not the affect Jared is having on you.



The Commandant from Beasts of No Nation

Leave it to Idris Elba to make the commander of a battalion of child soldiers seem so sympathetic…and so very, very sexy. While Jared absentmindedly humps you in a way that results in almost no friction or sensation, think about Elba’s nuanced portrayal of a man ready to do whatever it takes to advance his cause (even if those actions are violent and morally problematic). With or without that beret, Idris can get it, and you’re just the girl to pretend give it to him while Jared gives it to you, sorta.


Stringer Bell from The Wire

Those eyes. That spot-on Baltimore accent. Those fucking reading glasses. What girl could watch this great television show about the failure of the American legal, political, and educational systems without thinking, “I want that man inside me”? So instead of focusing on Jared’s half-assed pelvic thrusts and unbreaking eye contact with your lamp, think about how Stringer would bring the same focus and attention to detail that he did to running Baltimore’s illicit drug business to bringing you to climax.



Mandela from Long Walk to Freedom

What’s hotter than a man who inspired a nation to fight for its freedom? Certainly not Jared’s half-hard member. So take your mind off that disappointing D by picturing Idris Elba as one of the 20th century’s greatest human rights advocates. You’d take that long walk to freedom with Idris anytime, as long as it involved an all-night sex fest. Jared just finished after two minutes. Invictus indeed.


However you picture Idris Elba, the mere mental image of him is 100% guaranteed to be hotter than the pathetic excuse for arousal you feel when hooking up with Jared’s inept ass.