I Want JLaw to Be My Best Friend Except Uglier Than Me and Not Famous

Admit it: You have a serious girl-crush on Jennifer Lawrence. We all do! She’s casually hilarious, not to mention enormously talented and stunningly beautiful. JLaw’s the most relatable actress in Hollywood, and tbh, she’s my dream bestie. It may sound crazy, but I honestly believe that Jennifer Lawrence and I would be absolutely inseparable—that is, if she were significantly less beautiful and weren’t an Oscar-winning movie star. I’ve got to hold some power in our friendship, you know?


Sigh. Minus her unfathomable beauty and worldwide celebrity, JLaw and I have literally everything in common. We both love to eat, swear, binge on Netflix… Simply put, we’re both real girls (except for her fame and stunning good looks). When Jen candidly told Jimmy Kimmel that her breasts are uneven, I was floored—so are mine! Amazeballs. Jen and I are meant to be. Straight up, if JLaw had a wicked underbite and fucked-up acne scars along her jawline, we would be an unstoppable duo.


Yes, in my wildest dreams, Jennifer Lawrence is my bestie who went bald at age 8 and has no web presence whatsoever. But she’d still be charming, witty, and totally obsessed with bread. Don’t worry—you can take the Oscar away from the Oscar-winner, but you can’t take the quirk out of the JLaw!



As my BFF, she’d still spew classic JLaw quips like, “I dance like Gumby got electrocuted!” and I would cry laughing, reminding her that she only dances that way because of her peg leg. Yes, the peg leg the Ozark hill people whittled to replace the leg she lost to gangrene. Ah, country bumpkin Jennifer and I, sharing our secrets, our aspirations, and the (more than) occasional bottle of red!


Seriously, if JLaw were more like her character in Winter’s Bone and less like the highest-earning actress of 2015, we would be inseparable!


I love to imagine getting our nails done, flipping through gossip magazines as the pedicurists gag at Jennifer’s grotesque foot rash. She’d say things like, “In Hollywood, I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress.” And I’d be like, “Babe, at 350 pounds, you are pretty fat. But you OWN it!” And then we’d pound some Twinkies together, except I wouldn’t because I’d be really skinny in this scenario and she’d have a serious thyroid problem. Kentucky upbringing, am I right? Literally so fun.


Dream Saturday night: me, JLaw, JLaw’s fleas, and a Real Housewives marathon. Jen would casually tell a hysterical story about a run-in with Nene Leakes. I’d burst out laughing and say, “I think someone’s hereditary dementia is kicking in!” and pat her on her wigged head, knowing I would always have the upper hand in our friendship. She’d laugh, drool a little, and hammer a Philly cheesesteak right then and there. So effing relatable!



We’d talk about love. Jen would ask me why boys never like her; I’d gently explain that it’s hard to connect with a girl with two glass eyes. It’s something you can really only hear from your best friend. She’d sigh knowingly through her forked reptile tongue. “I’m a troll!” she’d say, just like she did on Letterman. Except this time, she’d mean it literally, because she would be an actual troll. And just like that, we’d be in stitches. Pure, unfiltered joy with your very best friend!


I’d know the real Jennifer Lawrence. Jen can get pretty self-deprecating when she’s down. “I’m garbage!” she’d say, laughing to hide a certain, acute darkness. But I’m a good friend. I’d take the tiny hook hands she’s had since birth in my normal human hands and tell her, “Hey. You’re not a garbage person. You’re my garbage person.”


Sigh. Can’t a girl dream? Love you, JLaw!!!