I Prefer Cold Office Buildings Because I Like My Nipples Rock-Hard

happy businesswoman

There’s been a lot of media hype recently about office buildings that blast the A/C all summer. People say that the practice is sexist because women typically wear lighter clothing during warmer months, whereas men stick with regular suits year-round. There’s even evidence that modern thermostats are set based on a 1960s study on male body temperature. Well, sorry if a cold workplace bothers you, but honestly? I love my frigid office environment. See, I like my nipples hard. Rock-hard.


Got a problem with that?


Frankly, nothing makes me feel sexier than a couple of river pebbles in my Maidenform. When the A/C shuts off and I feel my sweet milk-moles softening, I shrink a little in my swiveling office chair. It’s embarrassing. Just because my male boss doesn’t want to put a sweatshirt on over his suit jacket, I’m made to feel like less of a woman?! How’s that for sexist? Crank up that A/C, Martin! My nips are wilting and I won’t stand for it!


Whenever my high-beams start malfunctioning, I usually sneak into the supply closet where the thermostat is located and turn the temps down myself. That’s what it means to be an empowered woman in the workplace—you have to take what’s yours. Men do it all the time! And no, my coworkers’ shivering doesn’t bother me. I’m just doing what makes me feel productive, which is being able to see my udder buttons even through a padded bra. It’s my body, they’re my nipples, and you better believe they are stiff as bone. How do you think I got where I am today?



As the saying goes, soft-nippled women rarely make history.


Every woman knows that the worst thing about summer is flaccid nipples. It’s just one of those pesky, warm-weather girl problems, like frizzy hair or melting makeup. I say, if my cold office can take care of ‘em, why the eff not? Stop complaining, ladies! Use that energy for something useful, like twiddling your tit spigots in the bathroom during your lunch break. That’s what I do, and I just got a raise!


If you think your office is cold, you should feel my apartment. I’ve lost many a suitor due to the arctic temps I prefer. No regrets! Any man who doesn’t love my rigid honker-dots isn’t worth it. I won’t apologize—not for myself, and certainly not for my lil’ knobs.


Girls, let’s stop making such a big deal out of this cold office thing. I’m all for feminism, but my version of feminism means feeling empowered and sexy in the workplace. And that means cold, hard nipples—365 days a year.