The 2020 presidential race is heating up, and with the Democratic field still so wide, it can be hard to choose which candidate is the right one to support. Lots of folks say they want a candidate they can have a beer with, but I don’t drink beer so I don’t find that relatable at all. What I want for me, for all of America, is a president who has perioded in her pants.
As someone who is constantly perioding in her pants, I want to elect a president who understands what it’s like to be going about her day, minding her own business, only to find that suddenly she has a giant, blood-red period stain soaking her underwear and making its way to the back of her jeans. I want a president who has looked down at her jeans in public, seen that red menstrual stain, and tied a jacket around her waist even though she knew the jacket looked kind of stupid that way.
I want a president, who, like me, keeps saying she’ll download one of those period tracker apps but keeps forgetting. And then when their period “surprises” them they’re like, “Oh yes, I absolutely should download that period tracker,” but instead they just go back to living their lives until they period in their pants again. Again, I do not drink beer, so this is the only way I can find candidates relatable.
Sure, maybe there are some female candidates who don’t get their period anymore. But once a gal has perioded in her pants, she is forever changed and completely understands the problems that period-having people face. Every woman who has perioded in her pants carries with her the quiet resignation of having to throw away countless pairs of underwear, muttering, “I guess I’ll keep these blood-stained pajamas to wear around the house.”
Listen, I’m not naive. I know a lot of folks think we’re not ready for a president who has perioded in her pants. But what most people don’t know is that 5 out of every 5 women have perioded in her pants. They are all around us, and they are ready to lead.
Don’t get me wrong: I know it’s important to champion a candidate with whom you agree on politics. But it’s even more important to have a candidate who is a real person with real problems. (And from my experience, there is nothing more real than constantly perioding in your pants.)
How can I trust a candidate who seems like a robot, who has never accidentally worn period-stained panties during an exciting hookup, and then both of you had to act like nothing’s there? The answer is, I can’t. They’re just so…unlikeable.