I Didn’t Join This Restorative Reiki Beginners Workshop to Make Friends

When I signed up for this Restorative Reiki workshop, I did it to reduce stress, get in touch with myself, and become an expert in something my extended family has never heard of. But let me make one thing clear: I did not come here to make friends.


When I first found out about this three-day Reiki retreat, I imagined myself sipping from pure spring water, contemplating divinity in a field of wildflowers, and radiating a full body aura of visible enlightenment—without all the bullshit of having to talk to Tim from Nevada about the “pain in his heart.” That’s just not why I came here.


By mastering the 20th Century art of “laying on hands,” I hope to improve the flow of life force energy that surrounds me. I do not give a flying fuck about “meeting people” or “getting to know” Marta, who teaches Monday night Lotus Flow and thinks I am carrying too much tension in my ankles. Thanks for the note, Marta, that’s all I need from you. Maybe you should take this beginner’s workshop a little more seriously.



I don’t want to be cliché, but I’m here to channel and send divine healing energy through the Usui system of Reiki, not get involved in other people’s personal problems. Yes, I now know that Julia got laid off and has been living with her mother. Quentin lived in Nepal for two years but still hasn’t found meaning in his life. I do not care. This is Restorative Reiki for Beginners, not Restorative Reiki for New Friends Who Give a Shit.


Don’t these idiots know I prepaid for Accelerated Certification? I’m not here to share in a journey. I’m here to try this thing out and immediately get certified. Is everyone else here to just have fun and try something new?


This beginner’s workshop is a rare and unique opportunity for me to transform my life in an intimate learning environment. It is not an opportunity for us to exchange emails so I can listen to more of your bullshit. Now I’m excited to return home refreshed, rejuvenated, relaxed, and empowered—without the burden of befriending any of you fucking jokers.