How To Talk To Your Daughter About Puberty, Sex, and Goblins

As your daughter starts developing into a young adult, she may start asking questions like, “What is sex?” “Why does my body feel different?” and, “What are those ominous green creatures that are trying to lure me into the woods?” It can be difficult deciding how exactly to answer these important questions for your little girl: Is it too early to discuss sex? Can we rely on our schools to teach our children the truth about the goblin underworld? Remember: Your role as a parent is to help your child grow into a self-sufficient, healthy, non-goblin adult, so here are some tips to set you both in the right direction:


It’s okay to feel embarrassed. The topic of sex is uncomfortable for most people to talk about, and even worse when you throw bodily changes and lurking goblins into the mix. Establish a judgment-free dialogue by being forthright about your apprehensions about sex and goblins. Let your daughter know that discussing pubic hair, oral sex, and mystical demonic creatures feels just as awkward for you as it does for her.


Start with the facts. Before diving into her burgeoning sexuality or the hedonistic rituals of the Goblins of Évreux, first establish the facts. Facts regarding proper hygiene, how her body will develop, and what products she can use to staunch blood flow (either during menses or a goblin attack) will set a strong base layer for you to expand upon as your talks get more in-depth. Explain that she may begin menstruation in her early teens, and that goblins are violent makers of mischief. Hard facts are a nice place to start because they’re just how things are. Developing breasts and avoiding the blinding effects of goblin saliva will allow the both of you to realize there’s nothing that can’t be talked about!



Confirm that sex and goblins are normal. Sex can be terrifying to a preteen, so let her know that there is nothing wrong with the feelings she’s having. It can also be scary that during a full moon, goblins can vanish from your field of vision after delivering an ominous message. Over the next few years, your daughter will have many tough questions about these issues. All you have to do is assure her that curiosity is natural, encouraged, and that while goblins are grotesque fairies with mouths full of yellow, crooked teeth, they are unlikely to kidnap her in exchange for a goat. They haven’t done that in years.


Consider your daughter’s age. When it comes to things like growing, changing, and warding off the shunned subspecies of Earth, there is a lot to cover, and your daughter might not be ready for all of it. While you may want to tell your 10-year-old that she might be taller than the boys her age, it is probably not necessary to discuss birth control. Likewise, while safety tactics should she comes across a goblin are vital to a proper upbringing, the knowledge that a goblin smile can curdle blood can wait a few years. Be patient.


Change the environment of your talk. It can be hard for both sides if “the talk” takes place in a tense, silent living room. Consider taking your daughter out for a drive in the country to discuss taboo subjects like unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, or goblins masturbating to her fingernail clippings. A trip to your local farmers market or zoo can be a comfortable place to talk about the specific dangers of Redcap Goblins, who must kill often, before the blood on their hats dries out. Visual distractions can ease the tension between both sides when discussing body odor or the heavy iron pikes Redcaps wield.


However you do it, it’s important to open a loving and positive dialogue with your daughter about her mind, body, and the behaviors of nature spirits. After all, it’s just part of being a woman.