How To Snag A Man When You Have A Chesty Cough Like A Mastiff’s Bark

It could happen to anyone: you’re about to lock down a great guy, but your winter cold is making you sound like an aging farm dog who just spotted a stranger. But just because your chesty cough brings to mind a loyal hound protecting its owner at all costs doesn’t mean you have to give up on that D! Here are four ways to snag a man when you have a chesty cough like a mastiff’s bark.


Follow Up Your Cough With A Delicate Little “Whoops!”

If you find yourself needing to clear your throat, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, alleviate his fears that you might actually be an out-of-shape hyena by squeaking out a girly little “whoops” after. The higher and squeakier you make it, the more likely he is to think of you as a viable sexual partner, rather than a human foghorn.


Sneak Away To Cultivate A Sense Of Mystery/Spit Out Phlegm

If you feel a really bad, steamship horn-level cough coming up, here’s what to do: mysteriously tell him “I’ll be right back”, and elegantly slink away to the bathroom, leaving the indefinable smell of perfume mixed with Theraflu in your wake. While you’re busy hacking up grey mucus into the toilet, he’ll be busy wondering what your secret is.


Tell Him You’re Not Contagious Even If You Are

Lots of diseases lay dormant but can still be contagious, so just because you sound like a wet tuba doesn’t make you any more likely to give him an illness, right? You’re not a bad person, right? Bronchitis, who? You shouldn’t have to apologize for wanting to make out!


Spin Your Cough As A Sign You’re One Of The Guys

This is honestly kind of a stretch, and should only be used as a last resort. However, if your coughs are making the entire bar vibrate and you’re worried that’s a turn-off for him, you can try acting like your illness is just part of your fun, low-maintenance vibe. You drink beer, you watch ESPN, and yeah, you cough like a bullfrog. Your cough is just one of the myriad reasons you’re not like other girls.


See? There’s no reason you should let your booming cough deter you from snagging the man of your dreams. You’re a modern- ass woman, and you can do anything! Except afford a doctor’s visit.