Things can get pretty uncomfortable when a friend invites you to tag along to a dinner party with people you’ve never met, especially once the other guests figure out that you are the worst person there. From the looks of it, everyone in attendance is either a social worker or frequent volunteer or seems genuinely interested in learning about you in a way that you cannot comprehend. In contrast, you spent the majority of your day googling your own name and making noise complaints to 311 about your neighbors’ crying baby.
Just ‘cause you’re a terrible person doesn’t mean anyone at this dinner party needs to know that. If you want to keep people from finding out that you are just the living worst, at least for the next two hours, here’s what you’ve got to do:
We know, we know. You don’t care about any of these people, and you definitely don’t want to risk learning more about them. But regardless, if you want to keep your cold, black heart under wraps, you’re going to have to play the game. Try masking your loathing with thoughtful questions, but forego ones like, “Why is your face like that?” or “Are you wearing that shawl as a joke?” Instead, stick to inquiries about their day, their occupation, their kids or whatever, but be prepared because these people will have answers and you will have to stand there and provide generous amounts of eye contact.
Don’t live-tweet it.
Even if someone makes reference to their sustainable living blog, don’t turn around and craft a tweet about how much you are looking forward to NOT checking that out (#thispartyblowzzzz). Live-tweeting your vitriol is a surefire way to let people know that you are only a shade better than the devil herself.
If someone says, “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” don’t contort your face and say, “Duhuuh excuthe meeee do you know wer da BAFROOM IZZZ?” Even though that’s exactly what you want to do because you are basically the human equivalent of a dumpster, don’t do it. I mean, good God, what is wrong with you? Just show them where the bathroom is, you horrible beast of a person.
Make an effort not to actively offend people.
We don’t even know why we have to remind you of this, but for the record, it is always a bad idea to turn a simple dinner party into a “roast.” For Christ’s sake, you just met these people. Don’t tell your boyfriend’s cousin that he looks like Matt Dillon’s turds. Why are you like this?
As you exit the party, tell your host that the food was delicious and that you appreciate her hospitality. Don’t—we repeat, DON’T—extend your hand and pull it away at the last second to slick back your hair and say “Psyyyyyycchhe!!!.” No one should have to tell you not to do this. Who raised you? Jesus, you really are the worst person here.
With these easy tips once used to treat sociopaths, all the dummies and losers will have no idea your insides are full of garbage. You did it!