How To Journal For You But Also So You Leave Behind An Enduring Literary Masterpiece

Journaling is a healthy way to express your thoughts and feelings in a safe, private space. It’s also a great way to write the masterpiece that will eventually be published and adored by millions. Here are some tips for just putting your thoughts on paper, but in such a way that it could eventually be lauded as the work that most accurately captured the spirit of the Trump era, or something equivalent to that.


Make A Classical Allusion During Your Meltdown Over A Broken Printer

The fact that every time you accidentally print doublesided, it prints on the right kind of paper, but single sided only prints on marigold isn’t exactly the stuff of great literature. And the fact that you peppered your little meltdown with “why is it always me that this kind of thing happens to” doesn’t help either. However, if you liken your own torment and technical drudgery to Sisyphus’s eternal punishment, the future AP literature students who are forced to read your diary will be able to circle that sentence as an example of “allusion.”



Use An Extended Metaphor To Talk About Your Crush On The Guy Who Sometimes Sits Near You On The Train

You don’t think it’s a coincidence that the guy with the nice shoes who’s always playing Tetris on his phone sits on either your exact train car or the one right next to yours. One day, the two of you might move to a little cottage that’s near the beach but not too far from a major metropolitan area and have a kitchen with copper pots and pans hanging from the ceiling. If you’re able to cloak your fantasy in an extended metaphor, you can redeem your morning commute fantasy by adding some artistic merit and cover your ass in case Cool Shoes Tetris Train Guy picks up your published diary from the “Staff Favorites” section of his local bookstore.


Use Detailed Imagery To Bitch About Your Coworker

Your feelings about the guy who keeps making personal phone calls and then acting stressed about all the work he has to catch up on don’t capture you at your most generous. But if you’re going to complain about Jeff, you can at least impress the future readers of your diary – which the New York Times might call “required reading” or “the quintessential work of the 21st century” – with your ability to reproduce his weird mouth, crackly voice, and pilling sweaters.


Whether printed posthumously or during your lifetime to benefit the charity you founded, it’s important to remember that your diary will be published at some point. You should always keep your most private musings fit for anyone to read and profoundly appreciate, or take the easy route and stop writing in your journal at all.