How I Politely Rejected His Advances by Turning Into A Laurel Tree

We’ve all been there: You meet a guy for a drink but things don’t really click so when he asks you to come watch a tone-deaf standup comedy special at his place you say, “Aww that sounds amazing but I actually have to do laundry tonight” and you didn’t really WANT to see him again and now it’s been a few days and the guy won’t stop DMing you and believe it or not, I was recently in this exact predicament. I called my best friend for advice, and she said that I needed to be direct with him: “Just tell him it was fun, but you’re looking for other things right now.”


Well, apparently it’s super easy for some girls to proudly declare that their bodies are their own, but what about the rest of us? The ones who are thoughtful, introverted, weren’t allowed to date much in high school? Well, after a few days of subtly putting this guy off, I saw him waiting for me outside my job. I knew I had to reject him, but how could I do it without hurting his feelings, or worse, getting murdered? So I closed my eyes and focused, deeply, on the very essence of my femininity, which is both graceful and strong, until I began to transform into a beautiful laurel tree.


He was stunned, and immediately stopped pursuing me, instead looking side to side like, “Where’d she go? I could have sworn she was just right here. When did this fancy tree get in the middle of the sidewalk like this?” My womanhood was transformed into woman-wood and it TOTALLY worked!



Since turning into a laurel tree, I’ve learned you don’t always have to live according to extremes about your female condition. By magically transforming into tall, woody plant, I was able to fully express my quiet truth without wrecking the guy’s self-esteem, put a stop to the unwanted attention (assuming he’s not one of those guys that’s into sex stuff with trees, but that’s only something I heard about on the internet), and I’ve been growing nicely ever since.


Sure, being a laurel tree has it’s pitfalls – I can’t go out with friends, or hold a job, or do much of anything aside from getting peed on and having bikes chained to me – but I feel secure in my desires now. I will not give in to unwanted advances nor will I probably have any kind of relationship ever again, unless I can figure out how to undo the spell. But that’s what being a strong woman is about. Knowing your limits. And I’ve found mine, as a laurel tree.