Social anxiety is like being the first one to wake up at a sleepover: awful. Living my whole life with social anxiety, all social functions – from the most mundane job interview to the most overwhelming luau – were impossible for me. I never thought I would overcome my crippling social anxiety, until the night I got drunk and went home with a guy and found myself doing lots of sex with him. That’s when everything changed.
That fateful night began a years-long mission of battling my anxiety by doing as much sex as I can with as many people as possible. It was immediately effective; once sex was on the table, it just became so easy to talk to people. I don’t want to get too graphic, but let’s just say it’s hard to worry about whether someone is just pretending to be nice to you and actually thinks you dress weird when you’re in the throes of being fisted.
I used to dread going to parties, but ever since I started my method of visualizing everyone in their underwear and then actually removing their underwear, I’ve become the life of the party! In fact, I get invited to lots more parties than I used to. Sometimes I show up to the person’s house and it turns out that he gave the wrong date to everyone else and it’s just the two of us. Curveballs like would’ve fazed me a few years ago, but now I know my quiet nature is alluring as soon as I reach for their sex boner.
This tactic works with even the most intimidating of people. When your social adversary is balls-deep (or fingers-deep, if they’re a woman) inside of you, they are at their most vulnerable. This makes it easy for you to take your mind off of what Cheryl really meant when she said the story about your college roommate was “interesting.” Instead of ruminating on this for hours at home, you’re ramming Cheryl with her Don Wand until the sun comes up. Another unforeseen benefit was that in the heat of the moment, if a comment about one of your moles gets to you, panic attacks are indistinguishable from orgasms.
Like all methods, however, there are some drawbacks to overcoming anxiety through doing sex. Some of my doctors have been “player-hating” and advising me against behaviors that may cause “STDS” and “fistulas.” They suggested anti-anxiety medication instead, but I worry putting those harmful substances inside my body might entirely alter my personality.
Hopefully, my foolproof method can help you with your own social anxiety. I used to find it so hard to be around other people, but I promise you will never feel more in control of your own life than when you’re sitting in the middle of a circle-jerk.
