How Are You Worshipping Seltzer, The Life Bringer?

You love it, you drink it every day, you can’t imagine life before it—but are you properly paying homage to Seltzer, the One True Beverage? Some say it appeared eons ago, before even humankind, and provided crisp refreshment to the Ancient Ones as they crafted our world from fire and rock. Now, convenient kitchen tools make it easier than ever to enjoy the fizzy soda alternative out of which we were made. But do not let Her light and airy texture fool you: Seltzer is a jealous god, one that demands worship and sacrifice. Here are some handy ways to give praise unto the Bev on Most High:


Seltzer Giveth; Seltzer Taketh Away

Drinking water feels like less of a chore when those tiny bubbles tickle your throat. In Her eternal effervescence, Seltzer hath bestowed upon us this great gift of hydration! We have been freed from the temptations of sugar, corn, and aspartame, which is really bad for you. Yet this gift is merely borrowed, and we must return the bubbles of joy to Her sister waters. Get thee to the nearest river, ocean, or bucket, and burp your praises for The Eminent Hydrator! Your words shall fill bubbles of your own and be carried to the heavens. Then, when you die, they shall carry you into the Kingdom of Glory. Try these fun mantras!


“It’s just so good!”

“I love the way it makes me feel!”

“You guys, I’m obsessed!”

“I am not worthy of your bubbly goodness, oh Great One! Bestow your gaseous glory upon me and I shall be your servant for eternity!”


Thou Shalt Not Take Seltzer In Vain

Everyone knows that Seltzer is perfection embodied: flawlessly chilled, bubbly, naturally flavored. But lo, on our mortal plane, Seltzer suffers our human fate and decays into lukewarm, flat, garbage water. In this state, it is important to dispose of Her properly. Much like the flag you pledge allegiance to despite its inability to quench a deep thirst, Seltzer must be retired in a manner that suits Her holiness. Only evaporation will grant Her sweet release and avoid the humiliation of the sewers. Using a dropper, place a bead of Seltzer Our God upon the highest point of your house, wait until evaporated, and repeat until cleansed. But, we really should never have allowed Her to reach this state in the first place; the best prevention is a tight seal on Her container, proper refrigeration, and 100 lashings upon the fiends who allowed this gross negligence.



You Are Nothing Without Seltzer; In Fact, You are Less Than Nothing

Admit it: Seltzer completes you. Each one of us is a building with a crumbling foundation, and Seltzer is the cement, the spackle, the glue keeping us from falling apart and killing all that lives inside. It may sound harsh, but we must pay our dues to She Who Is Gassy And Pure and accept Her all-encompassing role in our lives.


Here are the best ways to give praise to Seltzer:

  • Below your signature on any legal document, add “Plus Seltzer, Queen Of Libations”
  • Take half of your income and give it to NPR. Seltzer loves Terry Gross and her comfortable interview style.
  • If you get married, your spouse must kiss Seltzer before kissing you. Then you both must drink of Her so that She may be the fountain of your consummation.
  • Instead of calling your parents “Mom and Dad,” only refer to them as “Not Seltzer and Definitely Not Seltzer.”
  • Name your first daughter Terry. Again, She’s a big fan.
  • Open a fresh bottle on your deathbed and let the fizzy sounds be the last thing you ever hear.


Shame to the heretics who take their SodaStreams for granted! May their CO2 cartridges go empty when they’ve just returned from Target, so they have to try and remember the next time but don’t put it on their shopping list and forget anyway! Hallelujah! Amen.