Heather’s Plan To Quietly Elope Somehow Involves You

Your friend Heather announced some exciting news Monday, revealing that she was not only engaged but she and her fiancée, Liam, were planning to elope in a quiet mountaintop ceremony thousands of miles away. Your sense of relief was quickly shattered, however, when Heather texted, “I’d love for you to be there.”


Sources found you stunned that Heather’s quiet ceremony under the trees “to make it just about us,” was somehow specifically designed to include you as well. Furthermore, the quiet elopement, which she was not planning to announce to family until afterwards, would require you to fly 500 miles from, climb to the top of a mountain, wearing “something easy, like a loose hippy dress, maybe a flower crown and strappy sandals in an earth tone” and can involve nobody else in the entire universe except for you, because you’re just that special to her for some reason.


Experts consulted on this request agreed with you this was “wow, easier said than done, Heather” and “maybe you should try to talk her into a regular wedding where at least you know there’ll be booze and dancing?”



At press time Heather remains set on a “simple, intimate elopement” that you could “maybe read a poem at, or just write something heartfelt in your own words to commemorate the occasion? Doesn’t have to be long, just like a page about how you’ve seen me find happiness with Liam.”


Liam, who you’ve described to friends as “fine,” reached out to say he’d love to meet up with you to plan a surprise aspect of the ceremony for Heather, “maybe like a choreographed dance or something? I’m sure you have ideas. Also, if you could help me track down a justice of the peace that will do this on a mountain great. Or better yet, you could get ordained and perform it. We want to keep this really simple and small and easy.”