Die-hard fans of the Game of Thrones book series are used to knowing spoilers about the show, especially about which of the show’s beloved characters will be killed off in the upcoming season. The biggest surprise to be revealed for the impending season is that author and show creator George R.R. Martin will be killing off his entire audience.
“It’s like yeah, it’s a huge twist, but seriously, read the books,” says one doomed fan, Dan Malinsky. “Real fans have known of their impending deaths for years.”
Devotees of the books have detailed on several blogs how Martin will take out each and every fan of the series by the season finale.
“Most people go down in their own unique and traumatizing way,” says Twitter user @FireIceGirl96, who grew up reading books. “This one guy in Encinitas has it the worst, though. No spoilers, but it involves a bunch of bloodthirsty wolves.”
Despite a 100% guarantee of gruesome death, fanboys and fangirls around the world are unwilling to avoid the show in its entirety.
“I just can’t stop watching!” claims TV-watching fan Abby von Euler. “My wedding is in May, and that leaves me very vulnerable to becoming a plot point, but the show is so good I’m totally cool with dying!”
“Oh man, poor Abby,” says @FireAndIceGirl96. “She gets stabbed by her double-crossing teenage niece — look, just read the books! It’s all in the books.”
Another book-reader, Linda Howland, has been giving advice to TV fans on how to put off their inevitable, violent demises. “If someone is invested in your well-being, you’re always the first to go,” she says. “The best thing to do is to become an unlikeable little shit, like Joffrey. I guess he died too, though, so we’re probably all fucked?”
According to reports, the audience members who really drive the story will be betrayed and murdered in a way that’s incredibly difficult to watch, but we will watch it, anyway. Boring people will simply be taken single-file to be eaten by dragons. Not even onscreen, because they can’t show everything that happens in the books.
“A full list of boring people is available in the back of A Storm of Swords,” says Entertainment Weekly TV critic Melissa Maerz. “It’s definitely a shock to many fans of the TV show, but the fact is, you can easily find out if you’ll be summarily shuffled into the mouth of a dragon. I certainly will be.”
Many theories have been put forth as to why George R.R. Martin just has to kill off all our favorite characters, both from the show and from our own lives. When asked to comment, George R.R. Martin chuckled an evil laugh that echoed down to the pits of his soulless depths.
“It’s all in the books,” he said, before beheading his own dog.