So you’ve met the man of your dreams—he’s intelligent, hilarious, and a total babe. But then you look a little closer and… oh for fuck’s sake! He’s wearing a necklace. You’re probably wondering if there are guys out there who can make a necklace look good. The answer is “no,” but here are the top four hotties who almost get away with it:
Beefy arms and an intensely sensitive gaze may have momentarily distracted you, but nothing can obscure the unforgivable pendant necklace sported by this brooding stud:
Don’t try to excuse it: you imagine him carrying you to the bedroom, wearing a sultry stare that says, “I will watch a Shonda Rhimes show with you and enjoy it.” But as you press your body close to his, your face smashes up against his cold, dumb pendant necklace hanging on black twine. He would have made such a great husband!
God bless America — and also America’s manly man who really wants to “hit the gym” with you:
He jokes about not knowing how to make pasta and he keeps telling you he hates condoms. But stop swooning, because hanging around his thick, stupid neck is a dog tag necklace. Seemingly lightweight, this necklace is heavy with red flags. He leaves it on during sex and it clangs against itself, making the music of a choir of hell’s demons. His insane Crossfit body cannot excuse his savage soul. Does he have a brother?
Oh sweet boyish wonder, with your picturesque abs and your beachy vibe, why must you destroy what is good and sacred with a puka shell necklace?
No beating around the bush here: Studies show that women would prefer to sleep with a fetishist with a snaggle tooth to a sex god in a puka shell necklace. He who owns a puka shell necklace is a piece of trash, which really stinks because he always responds to texts!
Great hair and a charismatic laugh characterize this aggressively normal babe. He carries a book with him on the train, is going to say, “I love you” first, and, in a turn of tragic fucking events, is wearing a hidden necklace:
You won’t find out until you’re back at his apartment, making out on his bed that is amazingly not just a mattress on the floor, and as you pull his collared shirt over his sweet, lightly scruffy face, you’ll find the sign of the devil around his neck. Get out of there, girl! Run far away and never speak of this again.