Your cat doesn’t love you, and nothing you do or say is ever going to change that—but that won’t stop you from trying! Here are some adorable DIY cat toys that will absolutely not thaw her cold feline heart.
Homemade Crinkle Toy
Take an empty frozen orange juice tub and fill it with dried macaroni, then decorate the outside with shiny wrapping paper. Watch as you cat tears the thing to shreds in five minutes, then forgets that it—and you—ever existed and goes to find a patch of sun to sit in like she’s fucking Cleopatra.
Colorful Beaded Rope
String a bunch of empty thread spools through some rope and tie a knot on each end. Paint the spools with bright colors if you want, or don’t—your cat could give a shit either way. Watch him bat it around for a little while then push it away with a dismissive sniff like it’s a literal piece of trash. What did you expect, a hug? Grow up.
Faux Piano Scratching Plank
Paint a piece of 2×4 with black-and-white paint to look like piano keys, then put it in the middle of the room and hope your cat absentmindedly steps on it so you can caption a photo of it with “Purrfect Pitch!” No one who sees it will be fooled into thinking you have any sort of emotionally functional relationship with that monster, but they’ll pretend to, because the alternative is just too bleak for anyone to bear.
Light-Reflecting String Toy
Hang an old DVD on some fishing line from the ceiling at a height that’s just out of reach, and that’s it, you’re done. Oh, sorry—you wanted to make it look cute? Okay, put some of those fuzzy cat stickers on it or something. Now it’s fucking decorated. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Now watch your cat go nuts watching the spots of light it reflects onto the floor, then try to bat it down. Looks like this one is actually working for her! But wait: Is this the life you’d always imagined for yourself? Let’s ask your cat if he cares. I’m sorry, what was that, Mr. Mittens? Oh, it honestly wouldn’t bother you at all if your human killed herself except for when you run out of face to eat? Cool cool, just checking.
Oh, we’re still doing this? Of course we are, because you’re batshit crazy and think you can actually bond with that feline fuckwad even though she barely notices you exist unless she needs to rub herself against something or when she needs someone to get her food or retrieve the ball of catnip that rolled under the couch, then she’s all like, “Meow meow, where’s that ugly shithead pushover who does everything to please me even though I give her no indication that she matters to me more than, say, that fucking houseplant over there?” Whatever, glue a little mouse toy to the top of a Frisbee and watch your shitty cat try to get the mouse only to send the Frisbee flying across the floor. Will that make you feel happy? Will that fill the void?! Will it?! WILL IT?!
These are crafts you can do to distract yourself during the 8-20 more years you have with that unfeeling beast. Good luck.