Data Suggests You Will Not Succeed as an Actress, Though You May Try

A recent study at Howard University concluded that despite what you thought, you will never succeed as an actress, though you may spend the next seven to 40 years trying.


The lead researcher on the team, Dr. Alice Su, wasn’t shocked by the study’s findings.


“The chances of you ‘making it,’ let alone making a livable income, are extremely low,” says Dr. Su. “To all the young actresses out there, please note that you won’t succeed.”


The study took 300 actresses who all look like you and went to a BFA program similar to yours, and found that only three of those people are working consistently in lottery commercials and Hallmark Christmas movies. Then, the researchers compared you to those three people, which allowed them to deduce that you, despite your attempts, will never truly find work as an actress.


“The likelihood of you succeeding is low,” says Dr. Su. “Like, so low. You’re more likely to stumble over a million dollars on the street while getting hit by lightning. You will fail. I’m sorry, but these are the facts.”


While Dr. Su’s team wasn’t surprised by these findings, they were surprised by what came after the data was published.


“People are still going for it even though they know the outcome,” says Dr. Su. “I just can’t believe it.”


“You do not have what it takes,” says researcher Elliot Danick. “You will be at your day job forever. You are just okay at acting, and your face is hardly the best face out there. Stop.”


In a follow-up study, the team found that during the time you struggle to be an actress, you’ll try your hand at acting-adjacent endeavors.



“You will try to be a fitness professional, and will barely make a living doing that and have to supplement with bartending on the side,” says Dr. Su. “You will try stand-up comedy because you think you have something interesting to say about your dad. The data suggests it is not interesting.”


Despite the study finding that you’d probably be better suited for an office job, you are still going to try to be an actress. And if you’re thinking “I’ll prove them wrong,” you won’t.