Whispers of marital troubles between Jay-Z and Beyoncé resonated throughout Somerset County’s Back to School PTA meeting this week. Although the couple still seems happy together in public and on their national concert tour, Mrs. Reardon, class mom, spilled disturbing rumors of a split she first heard about on The View.
“I hate to bring it up, but I was just so upset,” said Reardon, mother of Aida and Bryn.
Becky Hansel’s mom was equally distraught after reading briefly about the divorce in the grocery line. “They practically ignore each other now,” Mrs. Hansel said sadly, shaking her head, “The marriage has grown frigid.”
Principal Pam Conrad pulled up Beyoncé’s Instagram to check for evidence of the unhappy marriage, but was only found pictures of a close-knit family and idyllic candids of daughter Blue Ivy. “The better the Instagram, the worse the family.” The parents and teachers agreed.
School psychiatrist Dr. Geena found their body language to appear tense and unaffectionate in public.
To no one’s surprise, Coach Monahan held out hope that Bey and Jay are still a winning team. “The field hockey team will still be using “Déjà Vu” as its warm up song until an official divorce is confirmed,” she said, solemnly. “I hope it doesn’t come to that.”
While theories for the potential divorce abound, Mrs. Silva was certain that “Jay-Z is cheating on her.” Her husband Donald Silva spoke up despite being over an hour late to the meeting: “That’s marriage. Even Beyoncé would turn into a shrew if you sleep next to her every night.” He added, “What? I don’t care what she wakes up like!”
Many parents shared similar frustrations and uncertainty. Mrs. Siegal, DARE program coordinator, spoke for everyone: “I can sense that they’re in trouble, but my kids won’t tell me what’s happening. I just want to know what’s going on between Beyoncé and Jay-Z.”
At press time, the Somerset County PTA had voted 12-8 against an increased budget and 20-0 in favor of a “Drunk In Love”-themed prom.