Getting into plants is a satisfying hobby that’ll make you feel outdoorsy enough to justify saying that you love nature on dating apps. If you’ve been reluctant to hop on the plant train because of your complete inability to take care of anything, don’t worry, because these plants are so hard to kill, they’re almost on their knees saying, “Just fucking TRY.”
Succulents are the classic go-to of indestructible indoor plants, like in a movie when the bad guys are shooting at the main character point blank but the main character escapes completely unharmed. Only the bad guy shooting point blank is you forgetting to water your plant for the third month in a row and the main character is a tiny, potted plant calling out, “Come on, is that all you got?!”
If you’ve even remotely been on social media in the past few years, you’ve probably heard of pothos. This plant girlie favorite pairs well with a hanging planter, where every day its vines will grow longer and longer, absolutely fucking begging you to accidentally break them because even then, they’ll keep growing.
This Swiss cheese plant is also another favorite that looks cute in any Urban Outfitters decorated room and will absolutely refuse to die from your almost criminal negligence. The monstera’s waxy sheen and patterned foliage make it look high maintenance, but the fancy flora is so low maintenance that every day this aesthetic plant will taunt you to kill it like a James Bond villain.
Throw them in sunlight or darkness, snake plants can thrive in almost any condition. Literally. You could throw them and they still wouldn’t die. Their leaves can range anywhere from six inches to eight feet tall, which means you could come home to a human-sized plant reminding you, “Hey, thought you could kill me, bitch? Well, you probably will find a way.”
If these things can literally survive anywhere from the Sahara Desert to Siberia, they can survive your temperature-regulated bedroom. It’s a PhD-level challenge to actually kill a cactus, and those pointy fuckers know that. Their smug little stubby needles will be a daily reminder that life can be short, but sometimes it’s really, really long. Too long. Like, when will it die?
If you’re looking to get into the plant lifestyle but the only thing you’ve grown is mold in your fridge, start with one of these plants that puts the bar for a green thumb on the floor! They’re so indestructible that you could rip them to shreds and they’d probably just propagate. Happy planting!